Allen Pinsky, retired pharmacist
Mr. Rabinowitz is suffering from a malady that nobody can diagnose … They finally go to a famous physician at Newark-Beth Israel Medical Center.
He says, “Mr. Rabinowitz, what’s bothering you?”
He runs him through an exhaustive battery of tests and, lo and behold, he discovers what’s wrong.
“Mr. Rabinowitz, is your wife waiting for you?”
“Yes, she’s in the vaiting room?”
“Will you go outside and send her in?”
She comes in and says, “Yes, doctor? What’s the matter with my Irving?”
The doctor says, “Mr. Rabinowitz has a very rare disease, it’s almost invariably fatal, there’s only one cure for it.”
“Yes, what’s that, we’ll do anything?”
“The only thing that will help him is oral sex.”
“Oral sex. You know what that is?”
“Oh sure—oral sex, I know.”
She goes out to the waiting room, and Irving says, “Sadie, Sadie, what did the doctor say?”
“You’re gonna die.”
Harry Macklowe, real-estate developer
A couple is in a supermarket. She has a problem, though—she steals. She's a kleptomaniac. She steals a can of fruit.
She's taken before the magistrate. The magistrate says, "Sarah, how could you do something like that? What did you take?"
She says, "Well, I just took one can of peaches."
"Peaches you took! How many peaches?"
"There were six peaches in the can."
He says, "Sarah, you are going to jail for six nights. That's it, it's final!"
She says, "Oh, my God!"
Her husband stands up and says, "Your honor! She also stole a can of peas."
Harold Riskin, lawyer
Becky and Jake have been married for 50 years, and they’re at the breakfast table. Becky says to Jake, “Can you imagine? We’ve been at this table for 50 years, and it’s been wonderful being with you.”
And Jake says, “Yes, I can remember. As a matter of fact, I can remember sitting here naked as a jaybird with you at this very table.”
So Becky says to him, “You know what? Let’s relive the old times. Let’s get nude.” So they strip and they get right down to the buff, and they come back to the table and sit down. And Becky says, “Jake, my honey, you know my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.”
And Jake says, “That doesn’t surprise me. One’s in the coffee and the other’s in the oatmeal.”