Obamarama Variety Spectacular
By David Wain
ANNOUNCER: It’s the Barack Obama Spectacular! Starring our presumptive next president, Barack Obama! With special guest stars Joe Biden, Penn & Teller, the music of Estelle, TV funnyman Drew Carey, and ... “vavoom,” guys, it’s sexy Morgan Fairchild!
Drum roll starts.
And now ... without further ado ... the man ... the machine ... the guy we all-a wanna — BARACK OhhhhhBAMMA!!!
BARACK comes out onstage. Everyone cheers!!! He calms down the crowd.
BARACK: (Sings) SUMMER LOVIN’ HAD ME A BLAST... (Speaks) Please help me welcome two-time Emmy winner Sarah Jessica Parker!
SARAH comes out dressed in a leather Grease outfit.
SARAH: (Sings) SUMMER LOVIN’ HAPPENED SO FAST!!
BARACK: (Sings) I TOURED THE COUNTRY, THEY ALL LOVED ME!
SARAH: (Sings) THE POLLS ARE CLEAR, NO MORE WORRY!
BOTH: (Sings) THE ROAD IS CLEAR, NOTHING TO FEAR.
BARACK: Unless, of course, there’s another terrorist attack!
Big laughter, applause. Sarah leaves the stage.
BARACK: Another hand for Sarah Jessica Parker! When I see her, I don’t have any Failure to Launch!
BARACK: And now I’d like to take you all to a place we’ve all been before, the local bakery shop.
Barack puts on a baker’s hat as the curtains open to reveal the set of a bakery. He goes behind the counter and transitional music plays.
In walks a customer—it’s DON RICKLES. Applause.
DON: Hey, I need a dozen cupcakes and make it snappy. Hey, wait a minute, aren’t you Barack Obama? Shouldn’t you be campaigning?
BARACK: No need, I got this one ... (as he puts cupcakes in a bag) ... in the bag!
DON: That’s bad.
BARACK: Not as bad as your hairpiece!
BARACK: Where’d you get that, anyway? Was there a close-out on shag rugs at Wal-Mart?
Huge laugher, applause.
BARACK: (Takes off his chef hat) Don Rickles, ladies and gentlemen!
DON takes a bow and leaves the stage. Curtains close on the bakery, spotlight on BARACK, lights dimmed.
BARACK: We’ve been having a lot of fun here tonight. But I’d like to get serious for a second and talk about how grateful I am for the confidence you’ve given me to lead this great nation. Okay ... now who’s ever heard of froggies on bicycles?!?
“Mambo No. 5” plays as the curtain opens revealing several cute FROGGIES riding bicycles while eating bananas.
Laugher and applause.
BARACK then jumps into the action, wearing a new sequined suit. Singing to each of the froggies:
BARACK: A LITTLE BIT OF FROGGY ON A BIKE
A LITTLE BIT OF ANOTHER FROGGY ON A TRIKE
A LITTLE BIT OF THIS ONE MAKIN’ A FACE
A LITTLE BIT OF THAT ONE ON MY CASE!
BARACK: Thank you. Looks like our 30 minutes are just about up. My apologies to Joe Biden, Morgan Fairchild, and the others. We’ll try to have them back for the inauguration special. Until then, remember (music plays under) without hope, what have we got? We can do it folks, yes we can! And just a reminder that under my plan, if you make less than a quarter-million dollars, you’ll get a tax cut. I’m Barack ... good night, everybody!!!
"Two Princes" by Spin Doctors kicks in, as BARACK, the FROGGIES, DON, and SARAH JESSICA all dance with each other.
David Wain is the director of the upcoming movie Role Models.