The Blessings and Burdens of Having the World’s Most Perfect Ass

By
Bryan got back.

Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve been obsessed with the male physique. I remember rushing home after preschool to watch Batman reruns. The merest glimpse of the Caped Crusader’s well-muscled body in his gray tights and blue briefs gave me “funny feelings.” It took a few more years before I put the pieces together and figured out I was gay. Meanwhile, I resolved that when I grew up I would look just like Batman. I started wearing tighty-whities over my long pajamas and ran around the house, playing out my fantasy of being as strong, powerful, and sexy as my idol.

There was just one thing missing: That cape was always covering his bat-butt. And I had already decided that the butt was one of the most admirable of male body parts.

When you’re six-foot-one, weigh 185 pounds, and have a V-shaped torso that tapers into a 30-inch waist and a shelfed-out backside, a lot of people assume it’s all genetic. In fact, my whole body was actually built from a stick. In high school, I was just a lanky, 145-pound kid who loved musical theater, soccer jocks, and Mark Walhberg’s Calvin Klein ads.

The reason I really started training seriously was that the guys I was attracted to had incredibly beautiful bodies and preferred dating other muscular guys like themselves. When I was about 23, I began working with a trainer who was a professional bodybuilder. In time, my body began to transform. Did I ever dream that my ass would captivate millions of fans? Honestly, I just wanted to look good and fill out a pair of jeans.

People often accuse me of having had butt implants, which just negates all of the hard work I’ve put into my training. I try to look at it as a compliment. But seriously, you really can’t cheat fitness. Butt implants look fake because they’re not in sync with the rest of the body. People who know about anatomy know that everything I’ve got is real.

YouTube turned out to be an ideal platform for me. It let me show off my attributes and indulge my love of musical theater. In 2012, I directed and starred in a video called “What I Did All Weekend,” a comedic bit inspired by the movie Easy A. In one scene, I was lying on my bed wearing just a T-shirt and some black briefs. Gay websites went crazy. Before long, I had cultivated a loyal following of booty enthusiasts. Naturally, I kept it up. In all I’ve posted 250 videos, filmed all over the world. Often it’s just me and a tripod. I’ll never forget the experience of standing in the middle of a sea of 1,000 penguins in the Falkland Islands, just wearing a pair of briefs and headphones.

When packed tightly into a nice pair of jeans, a killer butt can be a very useful accoutrement. People offer to buy me drinks. They ask about my workout routine. Some guys get annoyed when their girlfriends fixate on my backside, but once I offer to share a few fitness tips, they usually change their tune. They know their girlfriends just want something really solid to grab on to.

In my opinion, a perfect butt should defy gravity, be ridiculously pert, hemispheric (extending in a 180-degree arc from the pelvic base), and have a semi-dense texture. It creates a sort of shelf, preventing your shirt from falling straight down. And don’t get me started on finding pants that fit. It’s one of the real challenges.

Another is people who figure it’s fine to touch my ass, grope it, or give it a squeeze. And then there are the ones who just slap it as hard as they can, which I always find a bit strange. Why so aggressive?

I’ve worked as a trainer, but I’ve also been an aspiring singer and recording artist. Now I just want to continue traveling around the world making videos and entertaining people. I’d also like to design my own line of exercise gear and become an entrepreneur.

I’m not currently dating anybody. I think it’s become harder to develop relationships as my internet fame has grown. I’m never sure if people are interested in me, intrigued by my stardom, or just want a piece of my ass. It’s disconcerting. I try to take things slowly.

Between J.Lo, Nicki Minaj, the Kardashians, and Magic Mike, there’s definitely a “butt movement” under way, and I’m happy to be a part of it. Today I am reaching close to 1 million followers on social media, so I’ve learned never to underestimate the power of the booty.

Bryan Hawn is a YouTube phenomenon who has directed and starred in more than 250 videos. His health and fitness titles include The List and The List 360.