Apple Killed an App Designed to Make Men Better Sex Partners

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As every gentleman knows, foreplay is key to a successful romantic interlude. But one needs a certain élan, a practiced mastery, to do it well. In the old days, it was common to practice one’s technique in the presence of a woman, who would offer guidance, coaching the novice — sometimes quite emphatically — on just what to do more of. Slower, harder, just a little bit further to the left, and so on.

Today’s young men prefer to do their learning through technology, which is where the Danish developers at Lovable Hat Cult come in. They have created a touch-screen game to teach men the ins and outs of digitally stimulating a woman. (Women can use it, too, though it’s unclear if they’d need to.)

Naturally, Apple has banned it from the App Store.

Le Petite Mort, a French term for orgasm, invites players to slowly and attentively rub an image of a vulva. But it isn’t pornographic. While the game users utilize real pictures of real women, they’re highly pixeled and don’t look graphic at at all. To play, drag your fingers around the screen to stimulate the abstract image, which responds to touch based on an underlying algorithm. Touch a pixel the right way and it passes that pleasure on to other parts of the image, until the screen lights up in a gushing climax.

Despite the abstract nature of the game’s visuals, there’s something surprisingly steamy about the game. “You have people play it and people get, like, quite embarrassed when you stand and look over their shoulder, because it gets quite sensual and erotic, you know?” one of the game’s developers told The Guardian.

That was too much for the prudes in Cupertino, who removed the game from the store for being “excessively objectionable or crude.” At issue is the game’s sensual audio, names of the in-game achievements players earn, and, most important, the entire idea of the game. “You are actually touching a sexual organ in the app. It’s not what you show, but it’s what it is. Even if you are not showing it directly. It’s what is simulated, and that is the issue,” an Apple rep told the developers.

Faced with either changing the game entirely or accepting its banishment, Lovable Hat Cult did the latter. Fortunately, it’s still available in the Google Play Store — no wonder Android is crushing iOS — where $2.50 will buy a game that imparts valuable lessons on intimate touch. “It is sort of educational on an abstract level, but it’s not, like, one-on-one ‘This is how you do it,’” a developer told The Guardian. “It’s more about listening and sort of moving slowly and feeling.”

Do the woman in your life a favor, buy an Android phone, and download it now.