According to a report in today's Daily Mirror, pubescent Arctic Monkeys leader Alex Turner has been sending dirty text messages to tri-nippled MySpace sensation Lily Allen. While we have no doubt that Turner's texts were witty, expertly punctuated, and featuring all sorts of polysyllabic words, his efforts were, sadly, in vain: "Basically he said that he wanted her to go back to his hotel — or that he could go to hers," claims the Mirror's anonymous source. "Lily showed a few people before falling about laughing, saying that he had no chance." And just like that, we're spared a Mark Ronson–produced ska single about an Arctic Monkey's penis. Bummer.

Lily laughs off rocker's texts [Mirror]