Will the Strike Oscars Be Better Than the Regular Oscars?

According to Variety, Academy Award producer Gil Cates has launched plans for an “alternative” Oscar ceremony, should the Writers Guild strike continue to the telecast date of February 24. He’s tight-lipped about what such a show — which would go on without strike-sensitive stars, written dialogue, or WGA-approved film clips — would entail, but we’re willing to take a guess, after the jump.

	The Regular Oscars	The Strike Oscars
Pre-show festivities	Barbara Walters interviews emotional nominees.	Barbara Walters interviews unshaven, Birkenstock-wearing strikers.
The red carpet	A-list stars and D-list hosts.	Hollywood history will be made as the crowd sinks down to the previously uncharted "R-list."
Banter	Pre-written by Bruce Vilanch.	Impromptu ramblings of terrified presenters. So, better.
Acceptance speeches	Either overwrought and fake, or delivered in a robotic monotone.	Either overwrought and fake, or delivered in a robotic monotone, on videotape.
Screenplay awards	Underappreciated writers' moment in the sun.	Relegated by vengeful Academy to the Science & Tech banquet, alongside some guy who invented a revolutionary new film emulsion.
After-party	Vanity Fair's post-Oscar bash.	Guitar Hero 3 in WGA president Patric Verrone's basement.
Nikki Finke's commentary	"Hollywood lines up at the feeding trough for another gross display of self-love, demonstrating yet again why they're totally out of touch with America."	Ibid.
Host Jon Stewart	Uncomfortable.	Miserable.

Oscars on, one way or another [Variety]