Best photo editor ever: Everett Bogue!

Another week, another set of awards here at Vulture HQ. First off, we couldn't be more excited about the Grammys if a passel of publicists sent us a bunch of e-mails about their horrible clients who might appear on the show. Oh, wait! Well, should you watch the Grammys? (No.) Will Michael Jackson appear on the Grammys? (Sort of.) Who will win at the Grammys? (The undeserving.)

But don't worry, some worthy citizens are receiving awards! Ben Silverman, for example, has his acceptance speech all ready. Gary Tinterow is well on his way toward the big prize at the Met. Vulture will soon win a $500 Adidas gift card thanks to Missy Elliott. Paris Hilton is on her way to an Oscar nomination. Harvey Weinstein didn't just buy himself a great book; he won a six-month Get Out of Jail Card. And if there's any justice in the world, Charm will win the Pulitzer Prize for Best Booklike Product Promoted Through Advertainalism.

Not everyone was so lucky. Charles Bock finally got trashed by the Times. Randy Quaid is out of luck with Actors Equity (and his wife reportedly had her finger broken by a 76-year-old). Conan, Colbert, and Stewart all lost big in their megabrawl. A.O. Scott keeps getting sent to shitty movies. And the Fox football robot, thank God, seems to have been Terminated.

And finally, which wins the award for tastiest multimedia spinoff: "Sausage in the Mouth": The Movie or Hamburger Phone: The Video Game?