Tagline: "Only one news organization has the guts to tell it like it is…"

Translation: …or at least compile some semi-hilarious crap into a 90-minute DVD collection of comedy skits, one of which stars Steven Seagal!

The Verdict: The consistently funny Onion News Network has finally made completed its *long overdue* feature-length movie, and it's headed straight to DVD, presumably because bongs aren't allowed in movie theaters. From this trailer (which has apparently been around for a little while), it's still unclear whether it'll be a collection of short, funny clips sustained by a barely-there plot (like "Weird Al"'s 1989 classic UHF), or a collection of short, funny clips without any plot whatsoever (like The Kentucky Fried Movie or Robert Altman's Short Cuts). Either way, the fake trailer for Steven Seagal's Cockpuncher (which actually stars Steven Seagal!) will probably make it worth the cost of our Netflix subscription. In fact, we'd probably pay money to see Cockpuncher in a theater.

Update: The Onion cheerfully writes to let us know that this movie is old enough to predate the Onion News Network, which only launched last year. We still want to see Cockpuncher.