Photo Illustration: Everett Bogue; Photos: myspace.com, Getty images

We are dreams and fantasies marketers…

Three Diamonds ($1,000/hour):
Not only did Vampire Weekend's SNL appearance make everyone want to beat them up, it also sparked a national backlash against sweaters. Then rumors of Kevin Federline's Broadway debut briefly made people who love terrible things excited about the theater. Sadly, the reports turned out to be nothing more than lies — on Edward Albee day, no less!

Four Diamonds ($1,500/hour):
Even though there are no decent movies coming out for another month, New Line cruelly refuses to release Harold and Kumar 2 early (but we suspect it'll be worth the wait anyway). Daily Show producer Josh Lieb sold the movie rights to his funny new book. Too bad McG might direct!

Five Diamonds ($2,000/hour):
How did David Archuleta get to be the greatest American Idol contestant ever? We'd tell you, but you probably wouldn't hear us over all of his dad's shouting. He may have forgotten his words on Beatles night, but it was okay — America voted off the stripper.

Six Diamonds ($2,600/hour):
The Wire went out in classic style (with a montage). (Don't worry, we won't spoil it here.) Did it answer all of our questions? No. At least it wrapped things up better than the Sopranos finale. And even though the show's final episode ran on Sunday night, a certain fun-loving former governor of New York just couldn't seem to let go. At least we got this awesome remix out of it.

Seven Diamonds ($3,100/hour):
Artist Neke Carson talked to us about the portrait of Warhol he painted — WITH HIS BUTT!!! Also, BattleBots is coming back!