Gays rejoice! Diva foes Mariah Carey and Madonna have made pop-chart history, sadly peeing on Elvis's grave in the process! With Carey's "Touch My Body" reaching No. 1 this week on the Billboard Hot 100, Mimi has now secured the most No. 1 singles ever, trumping the King's record; with "4 Minutes to Save the World" arriving at No. 3, Madge now holds the record for the most top-ten singles, also trashing Elvis's benchmark. Not so fast, though. It's a hollow victory, and not just because it would require a séance or some god-awful remixed "duet" with Lisa Marie for Elvis to regain supremacy. Sadly, the Ladies Carey and Ciccone-Ritchie set their astounding records with calculated ditties that happen to be their most derivative, disappointing ever.

Mariah: Mariah: A YouTube reference and Jack McBrayer in the video can't really disguise that "Touch" sounds like an overly carbonated retread of "Always Be My Baby," and generally rehashes Mariah's post–Tommy Mottola proclamation of sexual freedom (that's a ten-year old
schtick!). We get it, Mimi: jean shorts bad, stilettos and bikinis good. How about you use more of those eight octaves you got?

As for Madonna's "4 Minutes to Save the World": Isn't hiring Timbaland to hip up your songs very 2005? Hell, at this point we think Tim's produced a song on our debut. Did Madge learn nothing when she hired Babyface to get more "urban" in the nineties? Madge, if you're going to glom off some producer-of-the-moment — which you usually do in a more precocious, visionary way à la Mirwais, William Orbit, etc. — we really would prefer you work with Mark Ronson. And isn't JT young enough to be your kid? For shame, ladies, for shame. —Justin Ravitz

Mariah, Madonna Make Billboard Chart History [Billboard]