Woody Allen Nixes Threesome, Drives Publicist Crazy -- Vulture -- Entertainment & Culture Blog -- New York Magazine

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Earlier this year, the Weinstein Company unceremoniously dumped Woody Allen’s Cassandra’s Dream in 107 theaters. It bounced around screens for about a month and grossed $973,018, Woody’s worst box-office result since 1987’s September. It continued Allen’s box-office irrelevance in the United States; outside brief upticks for 2005’s Match Point and 2000’s Small Time Crooks, he hasn’t made a movie that made more than $14 million domestically since the eighties. We true Woody diehards have accepted this and learned to enjoy it; it’s nice being able to pick whatever seat in the theater you want.

That said, if Woody’s movies keep making this little money, eventually someone’s gonna stop paying for them. Which is why we rejoiced when, in February, "Page Six" ~~quoted a publicist~~ doggedly reported that his newest movie, Vicky Christina Barcelona, featured an “extremely erotic” threesome scene between Scarlett Johansson, Penélope Cruz, and Javier Bardem. To quote: “Penélope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping.” That kind of publicity, Woody, you just can’t buy! If only they could figure out a way to erase Woody’s name from the poster entirely — something they’ve already tried — then maybe we could convince one of our friends to actually see it with us!

Unfortunately, Woody Allen never met a publicity ploy he couldn’t eviscerate, particularly if it allows him to further perfect his signature brand of self-deprecation that no one has believed since the late seventies. Hence, when Vicky Christina Barcelona was blessed with surprisingly good placement in Entertainment Weekly’s Summer Movie Preview edition, Woody took only twelve words to eliminate any desire anyone else might have had to see his movie:

The legendary director is actually eager to dispel the titillating rumors swirling around his latest project, a bittersweet romantic comedy set in Spain. ''Because it was Penelope and Scarlett and Javier, it got out that there was torrid sex in the picture,'' Allen says. Sorry, that's not the case. There's sex, yes, but it's a discreetly photographed ménage à trois. ''People who come and expect those exaggerations are going to be disappointed.''

Honestly, Woody … whose side are you on, man? With our luck, the steamy sex scene we do get will be in his next movie, starring Larry David and Evan Rachel Wood. —Will Leitch

Sapphic Steam [NYP]

Summer Movie Preview [EW]