Inspired by the motivational lyricism of Lil Wayne, swimmer Michael Phelps has already scored an astonishing six gold medals at the 2008 Summer Games in Beijing, dominating not just his sport but also headlines and TV coverage. Did anyone else do anything interesting this week? Yes! At an untelevised ceremony, gold medals were awarded in the following events:

100m Boycott: Disability groups upset over Simple Jack.

Individual All-Around Crappy Songwriting: Katy Perry.

Men's Heavy-Weight Garage-Emptying: Billy Joel.

Sex-Scene Directing: Woody Allen.

Synchronized Surprise Awesomeness: the Jonas Brothers.

Men's Mid-Weight Hammy Acting: Samuel L. Jackson in The Spirit.

Unexpected Job-Having: McLovin.

Bat-Eating: Jack Black in Tropic Thunder.

French-Horn-Hating: New York Times.

Astonishing Pop-Cultural Ignorance: Anthony Lane.

400m Appearance-Faking: MF Doom, Yang Peiyi (tie).

50m Finger-Blast: Don Draper.