So, we’ve arrived here, at the end of summer, and it’s time to anoint the season’s stupidest thing. Before getting down to the task at hand — you know, making merciless fun of stuff — we’d like to take a moment to give stupidity its due: Stupidity, just like BBQs, vacation, tan lines, long days, heat, and sand in uncomfortable places, is a quintessential part of summer. Moreover, like the stomach pains that come after gorging on a delicious meal, it is an essential component of summer, the inevitable consequence of the season’s defining excesses, “its anything goes because you are too content, too buzzed, too sated on hamburgers and naps to be bothered by anything” spirit. We would never create or enjoy this much stupidity in autumn, winter, or spring — but then, we’re not this mellow in autumn, winter, or spring. So, stupid, while we won’t miss any of your specific creations — seriously, Spencer, do let the door hit you on the ass on your way out — we’re actually going to miss you and the stress-free, relaxed, goofy way of life you represent. We look forward to seeing you next year. Please don’t bring Katy Perry.
1. If, as claimed previously, stupidity is one of summer’s defining characteristics, it seems just that the woman who most embodied this summer would also embody its stupidest thing. So, congratulations, Katy Perry — the inevitable result of your total domination of this season is your domination of this list. Your goofball offensive began in June with the ejaculating bra from “California Gurls,” the song of summer, and continued with rubber outfits, song lyrics about poop, song lyrics about penises, and song lyrics about plastic bags. If it weren’t clear, we think you’re awfulsome, and we mean that as a compliment. Congratulations.
3. This is a bit of a last minute surge, but we looked inside our guts, and remembered this person is the worst — and then also Heidi recorded a new song. So, here you are, Spencer Pratt, at No. 3. We don’t know if you’ve actually gone insane, we don’t know if you’re actually getting divorced, we just know we find you extremely distasteful and don’t want to read your memoir.
5. Also surging, this packet of ridiculous movie trailers, buoyed by a new addition: the trailer for Clear Blue Tuesday, a.k.a the 9/11 musical. Watch that and the Showgirls 2 trailer, the Titantic 2 trailer, and Vampires Suck for a severe case of stupid shock.
7. Somehow, we forgot to put this on the list when it was first news, but we will now correct this oversight, thus making feces a key component of three items on this list (See Nos. 1 and 7), and adding a much needed highbrow, literary figure: Someone tried to sell J.D. Salinger’s toilet for $1 million. Oy.
9. Second only to Katy Perry in consistently delivering stupidity is Jersey Shore, punching it at No. 9 because we actually like it too much to rank it higher. It was a busy summer, full of arrests, and rap songs, and tweets with John McCain. We’re sure it will be a busy fall.
5. Also surging, this packet of ridiculous movie trailers, buoyed by a new addition: the trailer for Clear Blue Tuesday, a.k.a the 9/11 musical. Watch that and the Showgirls 2 trailer, the Titantic 2 trailer, and Vampires Suck for a severe case of stupid shock.
6. Juggalos + Tila Tequila + poop = dumb dumb dumb dumb.
2. Mel Gibson’s standout stupidity — the series of ranting, racist, abusive phone calls — and the glorious interpretations it fostered, occurred in July. But despite his recent silence, and the generally depressing nature of his behavior, we’re pretty sure that, years from now, when we look back on the summer of 2010, he’ll be a key figure, if only because apparently no matter what he does, America still loves him.
6. Juggalos + Tila Tequila + poop = dumb dumb dumb dumb.
10. Lindsay Lohan’s potty-mouthed manicure . That said, we genuinely hope never to see you on a list like this ever again — turn that leaf!
10. Lindsay Lohan’s potty-mouthed manicure . That said, we genuinely hope never to see you on a list like this ever again — turn that leaf!
8. The tagline on the Yogi Bear poster, which reads “Great Things Come in Bears!” lands at No. 8. More than any entry on this list, someone really, really, really should have known better.
Stupid things of summer no longer quite stupid enough to remain on this list:
• Fear of 3D Piranha in Lake Havisu.
• Fred Figgelhorn.
• The Early Show’s 11-year-old movie reviewer.
• Misspelled tattoos.
• Justin Bieber’s ProActiv commerical.
• Ke$ha and her “steez.”
• Bristol Palin’s acting.
• All wet Thor.
• Eminem’s lyric “Now you get to watch her leave out the window/Guess that’s why they call it window pane.”
•Kyrah.
• Chris Brown’s tears.
• Jeremy Piven’s fishy explanation.
• Meet the Spartans spoof.
• The Last Airbender.
• Parents who hear a toy say the word “pussy” and don’t think of a cat.
• Shirtless werewolves.
• Jonah Hex.
• Les Grossman.
• Half-Pint Brawlers.
Happy Labor Day!
