Today sees the opening of The Virginity Hit, a new mockumentary from Will Ferrell and Adam McKay that follows teenager Matt in his quest to get laid, while his friends film the entire process. Judging from the trailer, many humiliations occur along the way, but will it ultimately end in trauma, or postcoital bliss? If the gender laws of film virginity hold true, we predict the latter. Because as the following trip through the annals of film deflowering shows, when a male has sex for the first time, it is comical but awesome. But when a female does the same thing, disaster awaits. Check out the following examples: Did we miss anything? Because if a woman has ever had the nerve to have sex for the first time and not pay a horrible price for it, we’d like to know.
Virgin’s Gender:: Male
The Deflowering:: Four friends manage to lose their virginity during their quest to see their favorite band Kiss perform in the Motor City: One “does it” in the backseat of a car after winning a stripping competition, and another in a church confessional.
The Fallout: The friends eventually get into the show, solidifying the night as officially “epic.” It’s a Gene Simmons–approved feel-good story.
Virgin’s Gender:: Female
The Deflowering:: Worried that she’s not sexually experienced enough, 15-year-old Stacy picks up older-man Ron Johnson at the mall. He brings her to a baseball dugout at “The Point” and then grunts away while she winces up at some graffiti.
The Fallout: After sending flowers, Ron stops calling. This leads the unsatisfied and insecure Stacy to start a dalliance with sleazeball Damone, which results in a pregnancy and abortion.
Virgin’s Gender:: Male
The Deflowering:: Four high-school seniors make the ultimate bro pact to shed their V-card before graduation. Despite a discouraging number of mishaps, they all succeed, even the nerdy one, on prom night no less.
The Fallout: The next morning, the four friends revel in their victory over lunch, toast to “the next step,” and spur a profitable franchise that refuses to end.
Virgin’s Gender:: Female
The Deflowering:: Raised by notoriously overprotective, religious parents, Lux (Kirsten Dunst) is finally allowed out of the house to attend a school dance with local heartthrob Trip Fontaine (Josh Hartnett). Like Fast Times in Ridgemont High’s Stacy, Lux’s deflowering takes place in a not-so-romantic sports-related setting (football field), and, also like Stacy, Lux is abandoned by her man immediately afterward.
The Fallout: A downward spiral of anonymous sexual encounters ensues, eventually resulting in Lux’s suicide.
Virgin’s Gender:: Male
The Deflowering:: William Miller — like Fast Times’ Stacy, also 15 years old — loses his virginity in a way that most teenage boys only dream about. While touring with Stillwater, one of America’s biggest fake rock bands, William is deflowered by three beautiful “band-aids” in a hotel room.
The Fallout: William’s cover story is scrapped by Rolling Stone, but the lead singer of Stillwater hangs out in his bedroom, and he undoubtedly becomes the coolest kid in school.
Virgin’s Gender:: Female
The Deflowering:: In one of her many somber, troubled-teen roles, Jena Malone plays a born-again Christian (Mary) who gives up her virginity in an attempt to save her boyfriend after he admits to being gay.
The Fallout: Mary ends up pregnant, is soon outed and is — gasp! — banned from prom.
Virgin’s Gender: Male
The Deflowering:: Judd Apatow somehow makes virginity at 40 seem not that bad when shy Andy (Steve Carell) attempts to finally seal the deal with the help of some poker buddies who all have pretty bad sexual issues themselves.
The Fallout: Carell marries the lovely Catherine Keener, and when they finally consummate the marriage, it is celebrated with a vibrant and uplifting musical number.
Virgin’s Gender:: Female
The Deflowering:: If you’re a teenage girl in a movie, you can pretty much be assured that the first time you have sex, you will get pregnant. And sometimes it happens in the first reel.
The Fallout: Juno proves smarter and more insightful than most of the adults around her, and spawns some new, instantly irritating lingo. Which would seem like a happy ending, if she had done all of those things without getting knocked up as a teenager and giving up the baby.
Virgin’s Gender:: Male
The Deflowering:: The lovably awkward Fogell, a.k.a. McLovin, somehow gets the attractive Nicola to have sex with him during a house party. Moments after McLovin joyously proclaims “It’s in!” the two young lovers are interrupted by the cops.
The Fallout: Fogell isn’t forced to call his parents, nor is he asked to turn over his fake ID. Instead, the police pretend to arrest Fogell so he’ll look like a badass, before taking him on a wild joyride in the police cruiser.
Virgin’s Gender:: Female
The Deflowering:: Bored with her mundane suburban life, 16-year-old Jenny is enraptured when she meets the hip, older David.
The Fallout: Her lover turns out to be robbing more than just cradles. Jenny somehow evades pregnancy, and things basically work out for her in the end, but it still seems impossible for a teenage girl to have a first sexual fling without learning some life lesson far more serious than “friends forever” or “Kiss is awesome.”
