1. Lisa’s Monument to Bad Taste
Lisa: My name is Lisa Vanderpump, I’m not kidding, and I apparently live in a Jackie Collins novel. Jackie Collins meets Roald Dahl, maybe. I have a dog the size of a hamster whom I lovingly serve breakfast in bed each morning — the maids see to whomever else. I love living here in my house. It really is like a fantasyland. So when I say it’s designed like a French chateau, you’re meant to understand that I’m completely delusional. It’s actually more like a French-chateau-themed whorehouse in Las Vegas. Everything you could possibly ever need is here. You never actually have to leave. Like, look at all these shoes. Genuine leather. Which technically makes them food. My husband’s name is Ken. He calls me his “sex object,” because every time he wants to have sex I object. We both think it’s hilarious that everything about him repulses me except his money. His money is so cute and funny and smart and it really listens to me, you know? I think he used to play sports professionally, so he’s kind of dumb and sweet compared to the horrific, hirsute alpha assholes my poor friends are married to. God, what you have to do to make a living as a trophy wife. I’m lucky to have Ken, actually. We’re like lady spinster companions.
Cedric: I’m the resident pretty-boy sponger who may or may not be sleeping with Lisa. Probably not, but I need to earn my keep on this show.
Ken: I have fluffy dogs, too.
2. Adrienne’s Italianate Bummer
Adrienne: My name is Adrienne Maloof, and I’m the kind of social Darwinist who believes the fact that I’m extraordinarily loaded — we in my sporty family like to call it “Xtreme wealth” — means that I worked harder and deserve more than the average person. My family business is very diversified. We’re in the lame basketball team business, the cheesy casino business, the bad music business, and skateboarding. I’m married to a sweaty Republican plastic surgeon named Paul. He’s not allowed near my business and he’s to keep his grubby paws off my accounts. Ah, love. I’m a sucker for romance. Oh and watch! I’m tiny, but I can kick my son’s ass! See? And my personal trainer’s ass! And my son’s ass again! And again! Take that, son! I don’t have a lot of friends, because I kind of think people only like me for my money (I’m talking to you, husband!), but Taylor’s lips are so pillow-y and her face is so frozen and her manner is so sincere … I don’t know. It just makes me trust her.
Taylor: Look, I’ve known Adrienne for three years and I made her my daughter’s godmother. If I could have gotten her to get me pregnant, I would have, but this was the best I could do. Not everyone can marry Kelsey Grammer. I mean, he’s accommodating, but there are special and temporal limitations.
3. Dance Studio Wherein Camille Clears Up Any Remaining Doubts About Her Stripper Past
Camille: Oh, hi. I’m Camille. I was just undulating a little for the cameras. See what comes of it, career-wise. I’m a dancer, okay? Just because I’m married to Kelsey Grammer doesn’t mean you know me. The world doesn’t revolve around Kelsey Grammer. It’s always Kelsey this, and Kelsey that. Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey! Yes, I have four nannies for two kids that I had via surrogates — so what? It was a great experience by proxy. It was unforgettably vicarious. And anyway, it doesn’t mean I’m a bad mother! I’m here for my kids. I’m so here that when my little one got sick, I totally asked his nanny how he was doing, and she said fine. Look! I have a pool and a pond!
Kelsey: Hi, I’m Kelsey Grammer. You may know me from such hits as … Ha, ha, ha! As if. I’m so fucking famous I got the city to pass an ordinance that forbids gardeners from looking at me. Not just my gardeners, all gardeners. So — funny story. Fourteen years ago — the same year when I flipped my Dodge Viper and had to check into Betty Ford — I met this Playboy model/MTV dancer and married her the next year. Ever since, I’ve heard nothing but complaints about how I overshadowed her and her scintillating career. Did my towering piles of cash block her sun? Seriously. Anyway, I think it’s time for Camille to get a little attention of her own, and this show sounds like the perfect vehicle for that. Meanwhile, I’m off to New York for a year, and while leaving the family is never easy — those kids will cling to you like they’re falling off a cliff and you’re the last rooted twig — sometimes there are things that call us away. Like this 28-year-old English stewardess girl I met.
Camille: This is an opportunity for me to show that I’m my own person — me, Camille Grammer!
4. Rodeo Drive: Taylor’s Shoes Step Out of a Yellow Car. Taylor, Attempting to Regain Her Balance, Follows Five Minutes Later
Taylor: You know, I‘m from Oklahoma. I was a middle-class asshole just like you once. But I had enormous aspirations. I dreamed of getting some rich alpha douchebag to sign a long-term lease on my cyborg lady parts in exchange for limitless credit. Ever since I was a little kid, I knew I was special. I knew someday I’d be tottering around Beverly Hills looking like Donald Duck on stilts and getting space-aged polymers injected into my temples so that my contemptuous prick of a husband wouldn’t leave me for a 20-year-old, which he’s going to do anyway, I can feel it. Which is why I’m doing this show, so that I can later fall back on a new “career” that doesn’t require skills, experience, talent, intelligence, people skills, knowledge, the ability to think critically, or work. How much do you need to make to buy diamonds when the mood strikes? God, I envy those jerks content to live out their meager, pathetic, insignificant, dirt-scratching little lives; who aren’t burdened, as I am, with greatness. Our marriage is 80 percent business and 20 percent pretending to enjoy sex, but that’s something I signed up for. Literally. It’s in the prenup.
5. Int. Kim’s Modest Home, Where She Is Cozily Surrounded by Her Paternally Diverse Brood
Kim: My mom once told me, don’t make your life all about your kids. That’s what she did with her life, and since she gave me that advice, I assume she regretted it in the end and wished she’d never had us. Oh well. I choose to follow in my mom’s footsteps anyway, even though I’m sure I will end up bitter and alone, too. I’m sad! Also, incredibly anxious! Every time I laugh, a little sob comes out. I hope my kids don’t notice. It’s not my fault, okay? My childhood was different. By the time I was 4, I was on a TV series. By the time I was 10, I was signed to Walt Disney Studios. By the time I was 17, I was irredeemably fucked up. I was quite famous. Thank you. I love you. You ruined my life. My niece, Paris Hilton? She had no clue. Paparazzi knew my name and she was like, you? Who cares about you? Entitled brat. I’m about to be homeless, by the way.
Kyle: Here’s a house for you to rent.
Kim: I want a bigger one.
Kyle: Listen, woman-child. Money is a finite resource. I don’t see you returning to witch mountain anytime soon.
Kim: I might have another baby.
Kyle: My God, you are a psychological burden! If only I hadn’t promised our dear, departed stage mother on her deathbed that I’d save you from yourself.
6. Chateau Lisa and Ken
Lisa: Adrienne invited us to a basketball game.
Ken: Oh, when do we go?
Lisa: Not me and you, dumbass. We’re on a show, remember? About housewives, not their financial enablers? See that camera in your face? Yeah, that’s the one. Jesus.
7. Int. Studio: Kyle
Kyle: I was a child actress, too, you know. I was that kid that screams in Halloween. I just keep taking breaks to have babies. We’re trying to repopulate the Earth. I’m being interviewed!
8. Kyle’s House, En Famille
Kyle: Okay, fine, I’m obsessed with my kids, too. But the way I do it, it’s totally fine. With Kim it’s just sad. Oh, and my husband sells real estate, but it’s really expensive real estate worth a millionty gazillion bazillion. Also he looks like a good-looking John Turturro, which is a plus.
Mauricio: Someday Kyle will bankrupt us, but, hey, better that than piss her off. Am I right?
9. Airport: Housewives on a Plane
Kyle: I invited Kim to this basketball game in Sacramento because she has no life, but she actually came!
Camille: I know I’m supposed to be excited, but Kelsey and I fly private all the time. Well, we used to. Now we fly more commercial, so he can meet 28-year-old flight attendants. Also to be green, not because we’re having money issues. Which is also not why we got rid of the horses. I think.
Kyle: We’re going to die.
10. Hummer Limo, Sac Town! Restaurant
Kim: Being a child actress, I see that these ladies are obnoxious. Who plays with a gourd centerpiece at the table and makes suggestive comments? My sister, that’s who.
Taylor: If Camille wants to be her own person, she could maybe tell some stories that aren’t about Kelsey.
Camille: Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey!
11. Lakers vs. Whatever the Other Team Is Called
Kyle: Okay, so I cheered for the Lakers while sitting next to the other team’s owner. So sue me.
Kim: Oh my God! I hate these people! Being a child actress, I can’t stop rolling my eyes and sighing in despair!
12. Back on the Plane to L.A. (Housewives on a Motherfucking Plane!), Kim’s house
Kyle: I wish you’d tried harder to like my friends. Clearly, they are all wonderful people who treated you like shit, but you could have been a little faker. I’m fake. If I can do it, you can do it.
Kim: Are you kidding me? Duck-Lips Bumpy Temples? She had her back turned to me all night. Her back was charming and delightful, but I don’t see me and her back hanging out. Call me crazy. Being a child actress, I’m messed up.
Kyle: Oh. My. God. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to go back on mom’s deathbed promise any minute now.
Kim: Oh yeah? Fine. I’m a single parent without a lot of money. I retired like twenty years ago. I’m kind of weird, but I’m a lot more genuine than you and your crazy friends. What am I doing on this show?
Kyle: New boyfriend took it upon himself to manage your career?
Kim: That’s it. Being a child actress, it’s hard to remember stuff very well anymore.
