Off Broadway's gotten a little boozy lately. First, Caryl Churchill's Drunk Enough to Say I Love You? opened mid-March at the Public Theater; then last week, Playwrights Horizon introduced Adam Bock's Drunken City. No, you're not seeing double … but what if you'd like to? Which of these two drunken dramas most reward drunken attendance? —Lori Fradkin

	The Drunken City	Drunk Enough to Say I Love You?
Familiar story line?	Pretty much — it's about a bachelorette party gone astray.	Based strictly on the title, yes. (Sigh.)
Potential for a "I feel like I know you" scenario?	Low. Cassie Beck, who plays the bride, is making her New York debut.	High. You totally know (and love!) Scott Cohen from Gilmore Girls, Kissing Jessica Stein, and more.
Characters serve as metaphors for other, more complicated things?	Not really.	Yes — one character represents America, and one character represents England. Some concentration may be required.
Representative dialogue?	Funny and realistic: "I got so nervous I went into my room and I took my bottle of Windex and I cleaned my sneakers."	Fractured and impressionistic, i.e. difficult to parse: "GUY: not that I don't still love my wife and children but SAM: who doesn't want to be loved? but GUY: first time I saw you SAM: the bar and the guy with"
Vertigo-inducing staging?	Yes. Stage tips sideways like a teeter-totter, potentially inducing audience vomiting.	Yes. Couch rises far above the stage, potentially inducing audience fainting.
Short enough that you might not fall asleep?	80 minutes.	45 minutes. Cheers!

Related: The Drunken City [NYM]
Drunk Enough to Say I Love You? [NYM]

Photos by Joan Marcus.

We had basically come to peace with the notion that Martin Lawrence's comedy Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins was coming to theaters soon, so imagine our surprise during last week's Super Bowl to see advertisements for a totally different Martin Lawrence comedy, a Disney movie in which he plays Raven-Symoné's dad. What the hell is going on? A side-by-side comparison:

	Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins	College Road Trip
Genre	Buppie comedy à la Tyler Perry.	Disney family comedy à la Steve Martin.
Setup	A successful L.A. talk-show host visits his overbearing southern family.	An overprotective dad accompanies his daughter as she visits colleges.
Inspiring co-stars	James Earl Jones, Cedric the Entertainer, Mo'Nique, Louis C.K.	Raven-Symoné, Vincent Pastore, Donny Osmond.
Promising moment in trailer	"Man, I thought Nell Carter was dead!"	Donny Osmond.
Unpromising moment in trailer	Close-up of skunk's asshole.	Taser to the nuts.
Target audience	New York's Amos Barshad.	People who kind of liked that episode of The Sopranos where Tony takes Meadow on college visits but wished it were a Disney family comedy.
Release date	Today.	March 7.
Likelihood of receiving the best review in that day's New York Times arts section	100 percent.	Slim to none.

Last night we came across a teaser for ABC’s much-renamed Christina Applegate vehicle Samantha Who?, in which an amnesia victim living a Sex and the City–like life must discover her true identity, atone for past mistakes, etc. Like the Bourne movies, but for chicks. The teaser's background music features the horn line from the Dr. Dre song “What’s the Difference,” a Chronic 2001 track with guest verses from Xzibit and Eminem. (It’s actually a sample from “Parce Que Tu Crois” by Charles Aznavour, but most viewers, like us, are more likely to be familiar with Dre’s version.) Is this the kind of song with which you want your jaunty romantic comedy associated? After the jump, the two works of art compared. –Ben Mathis-Lilley

Variety this morning spends a lot of inches speculating on which of this week's two R-rated, guy-centric movies will win the weekend box-office battle. Leaving aside the likelihood that actually Halloween will quite possibly carry over and beat both these poorly marketed September movies — or that The Brothers Solomon will come out of nowhere to take advantage of Kristen Wiig's enormous fanbase — which of these movies has the best shot at gunning down the other and standing over its bullet-riddled corpse?

	3:10 to Yuma	Shoot 'Em Up
Genre	Classy, gritty Western.	Intentionally funny action movie.
Metacritic score	76	55
Critical champion	Roger Ebert: "Restores the wounded heart of the Western."	Roger Ebert: "The most audacious, implausible, cheerfully offensive, hyperactive action picture I've seen since, oh, Sin City, which in comparison was a chamber drama."
Eye candy	Vinessa Shaw.	Clive Owen.
Hammy, eeeeevil supporting character	Ben Foster's semi-gay killer.	Paul Giamatti's totally insane assassin.
Literary forebear	Elmore Leonard.	"Neill Cumpston" from Ain't It Cool News.
Paul Dergarabedian quote, if it wins	"What audiences are really looking for this time of year is a good story."	"What audiences are really looking for this time of year is great action, without a lot of story to worry about."
Likelihood that your Vulture editors actually see it	Slim.	You will have to kill us to keep us away.

One’s a handsome, aging, popular action hero hoping the American public supports him in the coming year. The other is played by Bruce Willis. At first glance, there are a lot of similarities between Die Hard hero John McClane and Senator (and presidential candidate) John McCain. But who has a better chance to win America’s vote?

	John McClane	John McCain
Filmography	Die Hards 1–4.	Wedding Crashers, Bears in a Submarine.
Career-defining hostage situation	One night in Nakatomi Plaza, 1988.	Five and a half years in Vietcong prisons, 1967–1973.
Marital difficulties	Separated from wife in 1988; saved wife from terrorists in 1988, 1990; separated again in 1995; divorced by 2007.	Divorced first wife in 1980 after conducting an extramarital affair.
Child in jeopardy	Daughter Lucy kidnapped by cyber-terrorists in 2007.	Son James enlisted in Marines in 2006, could be sent to Iraq.
Supports the war?	Yes.	Yes.
Attempts to recast once-profane self as more family-friendly	Going well: "Yippee ki yay, motherfucker!" reportedly trimmed from new film to secure PG-13 rating.	Going poorly: Yelled "Fuck you!" at Texas senator John Cornyn at a Capitol meeting in May.
Gets America’s vote?	Will at least beat Evan Almighty in this weekend's box office.	Will at least beat Tommy Thompson in the Republican primaries.

Photos: Getty Images (McCain), Courtesy of 20th Century Fox (McClane)

We couldn't stop staring at photos of NBC wunderkind Ben Silverman, the man who will soon be bringing us the greatest TV show in the history of TV shows, repurposed Colombian telenovela Sin Tetas No Hay Paraiso, or Without Breasts There Is No Paradise. Obviously, Silverman's a genius. But something about that smile he flashes in every single photo reminded us of someone. Who could it be?

	Ben Silverman	The Joker
Identifying characteristic	Wide, gleaming, rictuslike smile	Wide, gleaming, rictuslike smile
Secondary characteristic	Devilish eyebrows	Devilish eyebrows
Complexion	Gorgeous burnt umber	Hideous greasepaint white
Origin story	Successful agent and producer, made powerful by prolonged exposure to toxic reality shows (The Biggest Loser, Nashville Star)	Successful supervillain, made powerful by prolonged exposure to toxic waste
Villainous peak	Hired to replace beloved NBC President Kevin Reilly	Shoots Commissioner Gordon's daughter, putting her in wheelchair
Highbrow cred	Transforms The Office and Ugly Betty into hit series	Robs the Gotham Art Museum

Previously: Without Breasts There Is No Television
Related: Hi Ho, Silverman! [NYM]

Photos: Getty Images (Silverman), Courtesy of Warner Bros. (Joker)

Rapper Mike Jones (left) and escort-turned-author Mike Jones (right). Photo: Getty Images (left); AP (right)

Poor Mike Jones. It’s bad enough that the Houston MC, whose sophomore disc The American Dream drops in July, has to compete with heavyweights like Kanye West and T.I. this summer, but fetching male escorts, too? The escort in question is yet another Mike Jones — this one of Pastor Ted Haggard sex-scandal fame — whose tell-all I Had To Say Something hits stores today. Will up-from-the-underground Mike Jones I hold on to his hard-fought name recognition against new blood Mike Jones II?

This morning, Gothamist introduced us to Dr. Lanny Latham, a life coach whose goal is to make you "Get Psyched!" (He's currently giving seminars at Rififi.) But how does Latham compare to our all-time favorite optimism champ, party-rocker Andrew WK?

	Andrew WK	Dr. Lanny Latham
Catchphrase	Party Till You Puke!	Get Psyched!
Lecture series	“The Joy Trilogy," in which he discusses “pure fun and total love.”	"Get Psyched," in which he discusses getting psyched.
Philosophy	"I want to have a party! I want to have a party! I want to have a party! You cannot kill the party!" —from "Long Live the Party"	7 Steps to Leading a Better Life: (1) Get Psyched (2) Have Fun (3) Pump It Up (4) Go for It (5) Enjoy (6) Drink Plenty of Fluids (7) Get Psyched.
Inspirational moment	“I wanted to give myself a bloody nose, and then take a picture of it [for my album cover]. But my nose didn't bleed enough after I hit myself with a brick. I had to use this follow-up plan, which was this little water bottle full of pig's blood that I'd gotten from the butcher shop." [Ink 19]	"I was actually in a dark place when … I looked down an alley and saw a dog whimpering in the corner. It dawned on me that things would be a whole lot better for that dog if it simply got more psyched. So I went up to the dog and told it to 'get psyched.' And it worked. The dog started barking like crazy."
Totally unsurprising news	Parties with Aqua Teen Hunger Force.	Owns a Psych-odometer™.
Drug of choice	Salvia.	Self-satisfaction.
Fan testimonial	"I slammed my buddy John against a brick wall and he wasn't too happy. But then after I played your song for him he totally thought it rocked!" —Coventry Climax, from MySpace	"After working with Lanny, I am less paranoid about my neighbors." —Wayne Storm, from the A-Team
Psychedness rating	!!!!!...!	!!??!

Two ex-members of Destiny’s Child get profiled back to back in the latest issue of Vibe, on newsstands today. How does Beyoncé’s interview on page 90 compare with Kelly Rowland’s on page 98?

	Beyoncé Knowles	Kelly Rowland
Pages	Eight.	Two.
Photos	Seven (plus the cover), taken in a shower, wearing clingy wet halter tops.	One, in low-cut but still-modest white dress.
Writer	Ostensibly Danyel Smith, Vibe’s editor-in-chief, but with so little directed vision to the Q& A it might as well be Beyoncé herself.	Online and entertainment editor Shanel Detrick.
Totally unsurprising news	Beyoncé reveals she fights frequently with her manager-father Mathew: “Me and my dad go at it. People would be very surprised.”	Solange Knowles, Beyoncé’s sister, wrote Rowland’s song “Love” in an hour.
Choice gush	Beyoncé: “I’m like any and every woman.” Smith: “No one is going to believe that, Beyoncé.”	“A raw and honest opus,” Detrick calls Rowland’s laughably titled new song, “I’m Still in Love With My Ex.”
Actual wisdom	On rumors about friction between her and Jennifer Hudson: “There’s a typical rumor every single time I’m involved with any African-American female … I’ve worked with Britney, I’ve worked with Jennifer Lopez, Shakira, and they don’t start that. Whenever it’s two black women it’s … unfortunate.”	On sex: “I don’t need it. It’s overrated.”
Mentions of the other	Zero.	Four.