Tagline: [Sounds of tongue kissing.]

Translation: Despite what Woody Allen would have you believe, this movie might actually be hot.

The Verdict: The war between prudish, threesome-nixing director Woody Allen and his well-intentioned, threesome-publicizing publicist rages on! As you'll recall, in February, the Post reported that, in Allen's upcoming Vicky Christina Barcelona, “Penélope [Cruz] and Scarlett [Johansson] go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping.” Then, much to the chagrin of whoever paid for this movie, Woody chimed in: ''People who come and expect those exaggerations are going to be disappointed.'' But, if whoever cut this trailer is to be believed, the plot can be synopsized thusly: Penélope Cruz, Scarlett Johansson, and Javier Bardem making out with each other for 90 minutes. We anxiously await Allen's next interview, in which he'll likely announce that he's cut all these scenes from the film.

Earlier: Woody Allen Nixes Threesome, Drives Publicist Crazy

Tagline: "I want to believe…"

Translation: …that the movie will be better than this crappy trailer.

The Verdict: Producers of the new X-Files film have taken great pains to reassure us that the plot will be stand-alone: no Lone Gunmen, Smoking Man, or other vestiges of the TV show's maddening mythology. This is great news, because nobody remembers what the hell was going on when the show went off the air in 2002, and anybody who actually does is too busy dissecting Lost to explain it to the rest of us. Yet this trailer is, at best, underwhelming: A girl gets abducted, Billy Connolly mumbles some clairvoyant shit, and there's lots and lots of running. Until we hear the trademark refrain of the X-Files theme song and see our favorite FBI odd couple, the whole thing smacks of a substandard supernatural thriller. Still, we're holding out hope that Mulder and Scully can find enough compelling action (and maybe even get some action!) to make it worth the risk of defiling our memories of the show. We want to believe … but we don't, really. —Tammy Oler

Tagline: "When you can live forever, what do you live for?"

Translation: Parents, lock up your daughters!

The Verdict: This teaser trailer for the adaptation of Stephenie Meyer's megaselling vampire romance novel Twilight is mostly a series of shots featuring the film's main characters, spunky outsider Isabella Swan and vampire Edward Cullen, gazing at each hungrily. And that's exactly the point. This sucker is designed to render the hordes of passionate Twilight fans, mostly teenage girls, as powerless as a doe being hunted by a dreamy vegetarian vampire. Edward alternates between menacing and protecting Bella, sneering at her and then giving her the stink eye, the perfect mojo to make the film's teen protagonist — and the novel's fans — dizzy with desire. We think Twilight might have surprising mojo at the box office, too. It even worked on us! Despite our affinity for David Archuleta, we're no pack of starry-eye teen girls, and yet this trailer even made us a little tingly inside. —Tammy Oler

Tagline: "You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain."

Translation: This probably won't be as much fun as Iron Man.

The Verdict: Heath Ledger's Joker was always meant to be the star of The Dark Knight, and we suppose it's nice to see that Warner Bros. hasn't let his death interfere too much with the film's marketing. Still, this new trailer (which debuted before Iron Man over the weekend) doesn't do a lot to assuage our fears that sitting through Knight might be a bit of a slog; even if we were somehow able to forget, if only for a few minutes, that Ledger's evidently brilliant, brainsick performance is his last (unless you count his unfinished one in Terry Gilliam's upcoming The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus), the rest of this bleak-seeming movie looks almost as much fun as In the Valley of Elah. We loved Batman Begins, and we're sure Dark Knight will be excellent too, but doesn't it sort of make you nostalgic for the days when the most depressing thing about Batman movies was the fact that they were terrible?

Tagline: "This summer, our only hope is something incredible."

Translation: Or the guy who directed Transporter 2 — but it seems to have worked anyway!

The Verdict: A week ago, we made the case that if one of this summer's major superhero movies is going to be a stinker (and certainly one will be), it would most likely be The Incredible Hulk, based on the behind-the-scenes acrimony, the franchise's troubled cinematic history, and director Louis Leterrier's inexperience. Then we watched this brand-new, second trailer: Motherfucking wow! Hulk looks like someone dropped a huge green monster into The Bourne Ultimatum, which, now that we consider it, is probably the only possible way to improve on The Bourne Ultimatum. Needless to say, we'll be revising our predictions. Hey, maybe The Dark Knight will be terrible!

Earlier: Playing Super-Devil's Advocate: Which Superhero Movie Will Suck?

Tagline: "Legend says that a crystal skull was stolen from a particular lost city in the Amazon, supposedly built out of solid gold, guarded by the living dead. Whoever returns the skull to the city temple will be given control over its power."

Translation: Yep, this sounds pretty much like an Indiana Jones movie.

The Verdict: Even if the online rumors turn out to be true and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is something less than the masterpiece we were all hoping for, how terrible can it possibly be? Certainly not as bad as the Star Wars prequels — George Lucas didn't direct it, and Shia LaBeouf, for all his faults, is still better than Hayden Christensen. Then there's the small matter of this new trailer, which is running before Iron Man this weekend but leaked to the Internet this morning; are we crazy to think that this movie might actually turn out awesome? Yes, the dialogue sounds kinda bad, and Shia looks hilarious on a motorcycle, but the dialogue's always been bad and Sean Connery, too, looked hilarious on a motorcycle (in Last Crusade). Also, the "Indiana Jones Theme" will, in fact, make an appearance. Surely this has to be at least as good as Temple of Doom, right?

Update: The law-flaunters over at Defamer have the trailer up, and we bet they don't take it down.

Earlier: Is Shia LaBeouf the Next Jar Jar Binks?

Tagline: "Meet the hero everybody loves to hate."

Translation: Including audiences and critics, we bet.

The Verdict: Will Smith may be the reigning box-office king of depressing, large-budget apocalypse movies, but doesn't something about this new one seem a little too bleak for popular consumption? Inexplicably tipped by EW to be the third-highest-grossing film of the summer, Hancock follows the wacky (sad?) misadventures of an alcoholic, self-destructive superhero who destroys public property and endangers children before being saved by a publicist, of all people. Sure, it looks hilarious to us, but is dark humor what moviegoers want on Fourth of July weekend? Doesn't this seem obviously destined to lose tons of money? Also, as we've asked before, how the heck can a superhero with (presumably) superhuman liver function get drunk in the first place?

Courtesy of Warner Bros./ Lucasfilm

Translation: Without cringing!

The Verdict: In cartoonish Star Wars prequels The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith, the only things not rendered in CGI were Samuel L. Jackson, Natalie Portman, and Ewan McGregor (though Hayden Christensen looked passably lifelike at times). In this August's animated The Clone Wars, even the human characters are Power Mac–generated creations of Industrial Light & Magic. So, the question is, will fake, unrealistic-looking, computer-generated characters look any less stupid reading lines of fake, unrealistic-sounding George Lucas dialogue? This leaked theatrical trailer (you'll have to watch it at Gizmodo, since it keeps disappearing from YouTube) indicates that they might! Plus, most of the movie is apparently just light-saber-y fight sequences that look exactly like the tolerable, wordless parts from the live-action prequels anyway. Color us slightly interested!

Leaked Clone Wars Trailer is the New Force Hotness [Gizmodo]

Tagline: "Saving the world is a hell of a job."

Translation: Now that Guillermo del Toro is a "visionary director," he can make all the freaky eyeless demons he wants.

The Verdict: The new trailer for Hellboy 2: The Golden Army appears to be the perfect synthesis of Del Toro's two directorial personalities: On one hand is the Hollywood action director (Mimic, Blade 2), and on the other is the cutting-edge foreign-film auteur (Pan's Labyrinth, The Devil's Backbone). This is probably because his last foreign-language film pulled in action-flick dollars at the box office. The result seems to be that now Del Toro has free reign to fill up a whole movie with freaky weirdos, giant explosions, and incredible set design. He probably spends $40 million just inventing new long-fingered, no-eyed, goopy-jawed critters of the sort he scared us with in Pan's Labyrinth, creating a hellish menagerie not seen since the cantina at the Mos Eisley Spaceport. But even aside from blowing a CGI budget bigger than most Third World countries' GDP, Del Toro also makes sure that David Hyde Pierce, Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, and Jeffrey Tambor are back to keep the dialogue snappy and the acting passable. We're ready to enlist. —Ehren Gresehover

Lonelygirl15 (née Jessica Lee Rose) hasn't had much success crossing over from YouTube to the big screen — her first movie was last year's Razzie-winning I Know Who Killed Me, and her next one, wrestling drama Perfect Sport, doesn't sound all that promising. She's had a little more luck on TV (she plays Jen on ABC Family's Greek), but now, in the new Internet horror series Blood Cell, the genre's biggest star makes a welcome return to flash video.

Cell will apparently follow the scary adventures of Julia (Rose), who gets a late-night call from a friend who tells her she's been kidnapped and, if Julia's phone loses its signal, her captor will kill her (we can only pray that Julia's carrier is not AT&T). The action presumably revolves around Julia dodging kidnappers of her own as she tries to find her friend and wall outlets to plug her phone into. Sure, it's probably too stupid of an idea to sustain a movie, but for a bunch of short Webisodes, it doesn't sound half bad. It's got to be better than Quarterlife, right?

Ex-lonelygirl15 Jessica Rose back in online show "Blood Cell" [LAT]