You know how sometimes when you go out drinking, you do things you wouldn't do if you were sober? And the next morning, you wake up feeling kinda dirty and vow to never get that drunk again? It's always a groundbreaking revelation, and you feel like you're on the verge of a whole new put-together chapter in your life. Well, we had a similar feeling this morning, but it wasn't brought on by drinking. It was caused by The Hills, and those of you who turned to MTV multiple times throughout the day yesterday know what we're talking about. The Hills flowed like Champagne at Fashion Week (God bless that, however) in a mind-numbing marathon of Lauren's favorite moments and greatest feuds or whatever the hell the past three seasons have brought us, packaged into special programming in preparation for tonight's season-four premiere. Sponsored by Us Weekly, naturally.

As we watched the marathon, we started feeling a little angry because we realized nothing ever happens on this show, which would be forgivable if Lauren Conrad and her frenemies didn't take themselves so damn seriously. We know Lauren does because she always looks so sad, as if her bursting fame has permanently shattered her once-vivacious spirit. We know Heidi does because she now sees herself biblically. Yeah, really. She told the Chicago Sun-Times of her feud with Lauren:

"There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"

Yes, Heidi Montag and Jesus Christ's situations were practically the same. Montag added she "always felt this crazy connection to God," has been religious since she was 2 years old, and wants to release a Christian album.

When we read all this after having watched the marathon of The Hills greatest non-moments and realized just how seriously Heidi still takes herself, we just wanted it all to go away. When Jesus gets involved, you know it's all gone too far, so we've vowed to lay off The Hills this season and inaugurate a whole new chapter in our lives. But sadly, just like those alcohol-induced promises to ourselves, we have a sinking feeling this one will last only until someone offers to buy us a drink. Sigh.

What a friend we have in Heidi [Chicago Sun-Times]