‘Runway’ Recap: The Drag Queens Have Arrived!

When Heidi walks out she tells the designers she has a very special guest. She always has a “very special” something, doesn’t she? Out marches Chris March: He looks so vivacious in a blond wig, ridiculously big and shiny boobs, and a giant glittery Viking helmet that we completely forget about that atrocious human-hair collection he sent down the runway last season. Chris informs the designers he’s assembled a group of drag queens for them to dress. Nice to hear he’s been keeping busy since the show. Out they strut, and oh, are they delightful. Then the queens introduce themselves and Miss Understood earns a gold star when she informs the designers she “eats sequins for breakfast.” Yum.

And we’re off to Mood, then back at the sewing machines. When the work starts Joe — previously straight and somewhat uncomfortable with this whole challenge — realizes how much fun hot-pink sparkly stuff is and starts having a grand ol’ time. Over to Blayne, who’s running around all ADD-like with hot-pink netting cinched over his head; the weekly “licious” segment ensues. This week the designers are thoroughly irritated. Blayne tells everyone if he were a drag queen his name would be “Neonlicious.” Ha. HA. What would theirs be? he wants to know. “Annoyedlicious” Korto responds. Point for Korto! Leanne says if she hears the word “licious” one more time she’s going to barf: “And I guess that would be barf-licious.” Five points for Leanne! Since when did she get funny?

Then it’s time to focus on dresses. Jerell’s making something sequined with a big, high collar that someone calls beautiful. Really? We’d say it looks more like a giant green vagina. Yeah, a collar made of lady parts. Keith says his model likes “bling bling,” which translates in his mind to “tiling,” though his dress looks more like a giant mop that caught on fire. And Suede’s grandfather has come to him in his daydreams and started sprinkling seeds on his dress from which Bibb lettuce sprouts. So that’s how Suede’s mind works. Unfortunately when Suede’s model comes in for a fitting, she’s not too enthused by Suede’s design. “Did you make gloves because you were too lazy to make sleeves?” she asks. Suede wants to put his blue mohawk between his legs and go off in the corner and cry. Toughen up, Suede.

Then Chris makes the rounds with Tim Gunn. Chris would make a very bad Tim Gunn since he’s so complimentary toward everybody. At last Tim delivers the best line of the season, informing Blayne that his winged creation looks like a “pterodactyl out of a gay Jurassic Park.” But Blayne says that’s the best compliment Tim could have given him because he doesn’t want to be boring. He wants to be “draglicious.” (At which point we barflicioused.) Suede cries to Tim about what his drag queen told him, and Tim tells him to tell his queen he’s been to a different rodeo. Yes, Suede certainly has.

Joe’s winning sailor outfit, Jerell’s vagina number, and Daniel’s losing dress. Photo: Courtesy of Bravo

We love guest judge RuPaul because she naturally has drag fashion down to a science, but we kind of wish they had had Chris guest-judge too — it just would have been the nice thing to do. Everyone loves Joe’s pink sailor outfit, especially since the belt “hides the candy.” Michael Kors — laughing at everyone this week — tells Keith his mop thing looks like a sad molting gray chicken. Nina hates it too. Everyone agrees Jerell’s vagina dress is too plain, and RuPaul says it’s too long and unflattering. Daniel’s long orange tie-dyed-looking dress is also especially unpleasant since it’s plain and lacks the necessary drag-queen sparkle. “If I was to do something sparkly, I would have wanted to throw up looking at it,” he tells the judges in his defense. Well, okay, smart-ass. So he gets the boot and Keith gets to stay, even though his molting-chicken dress is far less pleasant.

Next week: The designers make a dress with unconventional materials and everyone cries because they can’t do it. Can’t we just have Chris March back again?