We thought we had seen the worst of cocktail misappropriation when Orbitz came out with a Mojito-flavored bubble gum. Now, however, we get a press release from Sam DeMarco’s new joint in the Omni Berkshire Hotel assuring us that “the cocktails will be one of the hottest parts of Fireside.” They’ve even made certain that the lil’ ones will be able to pound ’em. That’s right: The kids’ menu, along with tater tots and hot dogs, features “mocktails” like the Cherry Caiparinha [sic], for the 7-year-old who’s nostalgic for that bumpin’ baile funk he experienced last time he was in the Rio favelas. Then there’s the Mandarin Ginger Cosmo: “I learned it from Sex and the City, okay?” No word on whether the Fiji Fizz will be served in a bottle with a rubber nipple on it. —Daniel Maurer