The Times today confirms that this summer Jeffrey Chodorow will open a steakhouse, Center Cut, in the Empire Hotel and — the real horror show — a Maxim-magazine-branded steakhouse to replace Ono in the Gansevoort Hotel in late March. Will it be a “breastaurant” combining boob tubes and tube tops à la Hooters, or will Chodorow go for something a tad bit more refined? Below, our predictions for the experience.

• Waitresses serving juicy T-bones while wearing Juicy Couture T-backs.
• Beer helmets custom manufactured to accommodate $1,000 bottles of Krug.
• “Maximum cockupancy” sign lights up when too many dudes are in the room.
• “Mac 'n' cheese” on the menu, guys cheesily macking on the waitresses at the tables.
• Takeout food served in “douche bags.”
• Waitresses serve your entrée with extra jiggle if you order the “steak and shake” special.
• Restaurant playlist comprised completely of manthems such as “Rock You Like a Hurricane.”
• First-ever “tequila sommelier”— Tila Tequila?
• “Cuddle shuttle,” manned by strippers, running between Maxim Prime and Robert’s at the Penthouse Executive Club.

Of course, Chodorow has told the Observer that Maxim Steak will be an “intelligent steakhouse for intelligent people,” so who are we to say?

Off the Menu [NYT]
Chodorow Eats New York [NYO]