Last night on Top Chef a wedding challenge pitted two teams against each other in an effort to cook for 250 people in fourteen hours. With the exception of Andrew and his “culinary boner,” the gang looked as limp as steam-table vegetables by the end. The groom’s team, headed up by Nikki Cascone, took to the chopping block for their sorry (and overly ambitious) attempts at Italian food. Earlier today, New York's Michael Alan Connelly spoke with Nikki about Dale, her new project, and how Top Chef is good for business.

In what is easily the most genius beverage satire since the Meatshake, Brooklyn photographer Till Krautkramer has created a line of Meatwater for those who want to have a “special relationship with protein” (per the hilarious back-of-the-bottle spiel) and “cut down on exercising and eating time, and have more time to enjoy yourself.” An admirable thought! The line of imaginary bottled bevies includes Dirty Hot Dog (“An authentic taste of the Big Apple you can sip through a straw!”) and Italian Sausage (“You’ll feel like youse is at da famous San Gennaro festival in New Yawk’s Little Italy after drinkin’ dis”). If Peking Duck or Beef Jerky water don’t sate your hunger (or thirst?), you can enter a contest by suggesting your own flavor. Forget that, though: Our award goes to the person who actually makes these flavors a reality.

Meatwater [Official site]

Last night's episode of Top Chef was a doozy, more than making up for the soporific quality of last week's show. The Quickfire Challenge was the always entertaining skills relay, in which the cheftestants had to clean artichokes, peel oranges, and make mayonnaise faster than their rivals. It came down to a grueling mayo race between Stephanie and Nikki, and the former won. In the Elimination Challenge, two teams had to cook for a massive Chicagoland wedding, and while there was much blame to spread, and not one but two Dale freak-outs, in the end the weakest of the remaining rivals was given the boot. We and Adam Platt sped to our computers to tap out the postmortem on IM.

We're in the middle of that awkward seasonal shift, and so many restaurants are taking to the sidewalks, permits in hand, and setting up their tables and chairs for spring and summer dining. Alas, the weather just isn't there yet. Our brethren over at Daily Intel have thus endured their first cold-weather outdoor brunch of the season and are pondering what it all means for New York life. The pros and cons of alfresco dining are debated, along with its onanistic equivalents, and you'll learn a lot about both parties and where they stand on the issue. It's a good existential issue to carry you into the weekend.

Eating Brunch Outside Before It's Time: A Debate [Daily Intel]

Last night on Top Chef, the judges’ victim on the chopping block was none other than New Zealand native Mark Simmons, who was sent home for his dubious decision to serve up vegetable curry to children. Our very own Michael Alan Connelly spoke earlier today with Simmons, who has since returned to his sous chef post at Public, about why he thinks Tom Colicchio doesn’t like him and what’s wrong with Uncle Ben’s rice.

In what might have been the least entertaining Top Chef in history last night, a painful fifteen-minute Uncle Ben's–rice "Quickfire" challenge was followed by an even less enjoyable elimination round, in which the cheftestants were asked to cook a healthy and cheap (under $10) meal with a child sous-chef. The results all looked like something from a progressive school's lunchroom and resulted in an elimination that was a long time coming. Adam Platt is in California, so we sat down with New York’s Michael Alan Connelly to hash it all out.

When you’re a high-powered Manhattan macher, you can’t be bothered to walk around the block: You need backdoor shortcuts along the lines of Henry Hill’s Copacabana entrance in Goodfellas. That seems to be the feeling of management at Brasserie 44, at the Royalton, whose 44th Street entrance is inconveniently a block away from their biggest customers in the media and fashion business. Owner John McDonald explains, “We have such a large client base in the media and fashion biz (conde nast, hearst, nytimes, grace building i.e. Michael Kors, Tahari, and more) that as a special VIP service they no longer have to do the long walk around the block and back through the lobby. We have stationed a door person who is at the back door from 11:30 a.m. to 2 p.m. who greets and allows you direct access to 44.” So pay no attention to that plaque next to the door. Just say you’re here for lunch and Johnny Mack sent you.

Related: ‘Esquire’ Escalates Chef-Fashion War With ‘Maxim’

The demand for midtown restaurant space seems to be greater than we thought: A Realtor has actually taken out an ad on Gael Greene’s Website, putting out a $5,000 bounty for a tip leading to a good location. “Our posse has been hunting for a sizable midtown restaurant location for a while for now,” Jon-Bentley Wiggins, of Kamenitzer Real Estate Group, explains. “[It’s] time to get the townsfolk involved.” Apparently, neither a recession, nor zooming food costs, nor even the astronomical cost of real estate is enough to slow the restaurant juggernaut down. Or, if it is, don't let that get in the way of your finder's fee, should you know about something.

Last night on Top Chef, Jennifer Biesty got to return to San Francisco after the judges passed on her Ménage à Trois of Orange. Named a San Francisco Rising Star in 2007, Biesty currently cooks at Coco500. Our Michael Alan Connelly spoke to Biesty today and got the dirt on Johnny Iuzzini and the truth about co-cheftestant Richard Blais's haircut.

After a fairly straightforward dessert contest judged by Jean Georges' Johnny Iuzzini, last night's Top Chef episode took a turn for the bizarre with an Elimination Challenge inspired by the Second City improv company. Random colors and emotions were paired with ingredients, and the cheftestants ordered to improvise dishes like “yellow vanilla love” and “magenta drunken Polish sausage.” The results were predictably revolting, and we and Adam Platt settled in to discuss it immediately afterward with heavy hearts.