Today's Times brings the news that the city's water bills are so profoundly screwed up that it's impossible to collect on millions and millions of dollars worth of overdue fees. We've uncovered a memo recently sent by the Public Works Department in an attempt to rectify things:

To: Alan G. Lafley, Chairman, President, and CEO, Proctor & Gamble
From: Public Works Department, The City of New York
Date: December 12, 2006
Re: Water bills

Dear Mr. Lafley:

No less than the great American humorist Mark Twain once quipped, "Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody." In light of our recent troubles, the City of New York could not agree more. And, as recent initiatives have made Charmin one of the premier users of our most precious resource, we hope you feel the same way.

It is true that our accounting department is currently drowning (ha!) in a veritable sea (haha!) of accounting errors. However, we also believe this flood (we weren't even trying with that one!) of misfortune also presents an opportunity. In short, if we can't reverse our hundred-million plus shortfall (does that count? like, waterfall?), our entire operation may go down the tubes. (You've got it by now, right?) But if you have no water, you're sunk. (Yeah. You've got it.) And no one — especially us — wants that to happen.

And that's where you come in. It's simple: You need water — lots of it. We need money. We've heard you got some! So we're thinking sponsorship. We're thinking synergy. We're thinking a roll of Charmin in every bathroom in this burg!

Want to sail into a beautiful future together? :)

But seriously. Bail us out.

Yours truly,

The City of New York

Water Bills Are So Flawed City Can't Collect Millions [NYT]
Earlier: Roll Tape