Your guide to the species of the nightlife habitat.

Species: Brenda Walshes
Etymology: Hipsters attempting to dress like the 90210 character. Ironically, of course.
Distinguishing characteristics: Brenda Walshes derive all their power from blinding people with tacky accessories. Examples include denim vests, like those last seen on George Michael circa Wham, and brown chapeaus, in homage to both the Amish and John Hughes's flicks. A typical pièce de résistance, however, is the wallpaper-like floral explosion tights, which at first glance give the appearance of lesions.
Known locales: Lit, Drop Off Service, the Bedford Mini-Mall.
Diet: Sex on the Beach. Also ironically.
How to approach: Brendas are a very dangerous breed. As their famous fictional counterpart so gloriously demonstrated, a hello can quickly lead to a catfight. Warning signs include eye rolling, sighing, blowing of the bangs, crossing arms, and, most dangerous, the raise of one eyebrow while pursing the lips. Whenever possible, avoid Brendas all together.
Endangerment status: Fragile. Easily replaced by a more attractive Kelly Kapowski.
—Amina Akhtar