Outside of Carolines last night, where he was hosting a benefit for scleroderma research, Bob Saget weighed in on the rumors that his former TV daughter, Ashley Olsen, has been dating Lance Armstrong, father of three. How does Saget feel about the huge age and respectability gap between the two? “I like Lance, Lance Armstrong is an amazing guy. Amazing guy!” he said. That’s it? We were hoping for something like, "I hate Lance Armstrong. I should be with Ashley." What gives, Saget? "I apologize," he said. He tried again: "You know Tevye and Golde, they were together 25 years! We’re in a society, I don’t think — you can’t really go by people, you know?" Wha? "I’m not giving you want you want," he said, defeated. "I feel bad about that."

That’s okay, Bob, how about you tell us a disgusting story about Ashley, Mary-Kate, and a donkey erection instead?

“We had a donkey on [Full House] that got an erection, um, true. Uh, there’s a cleaner way to say this. There was a donkey that got aroused because there was air-conditioning, and the girls were young at the time, they’re standing there, and then it did its business on the floor, and we thought it was the funniest thing we ever saw. John, Dave, and I — there’s gag reel footage of us, gagging, practically — and the girls knew that something funny was going on and the audience was horrified. That was my favorite episode.”

That’s wholesome family fun right there! Could this bizarre episode have scarred the young twins for life, damaging their impressionable minds and causing future eating disorders, drug habits, and daddy issues? No, probably not. —Dan Amira

Find out about Robin Williams' lust for triathletes and Jimmy Fallon's Oedipal fantasies in our complete coverage of the Scleroderma Research Foundation benefit.