British celebrity biographer Neil Simpson, tired of ghostwriting for Big Brother 3 contestants, has sharpened his quill and is taking on an unauthorized biography of Mucca herself, The Unsinkable Heather Mills. And can you blame him? If ever there was material crying out for unauthorized-bio treatment, it's the story of the one-legged former prostie who married a Beatle. This morning, in what may be best column in her entire career, Cindy Adams summarizes the manuscript, which spans Mills early life to the present:

It was cheap food. Rabbit. Age 10, she stole. Shoplifted. Drank. Her father's in prison … Next, her boyfriend Peter overdoses on heroin. She herself sleeps on the streets. She worked for a jeweler. She stole from the jeweler. She's arrested. Then come paragraphs on the sex trade, naked photos, endless lying, pleasuring Arabs, being kept … And so on until The Tragic Accident. The narrative then osmoses into her realizing the key to power and, thus, selling that horrifying story of losing her leg for the highest newspaper bid. It included this woman Doing It in her hospital bed. It was about losing a leg but the sex being as incredible as ever … blaah blaah and soon Heather was on her next lap — and it was Paul's.

Should not all celebrity biographies be written this way? We know maybe it's a little bit late to suggest this, but we think we've found a post-retirement career for Cindy Adams.

Through the Mills …& Back Again [NYP]
Earlier: Intel's Coverage of Heather Mills