Esquire celebrity profiler Scott Raab hates basically every celebrity he's profiled. In case you couldn't tell this from the stories themselves — his 2006 profile of Ryan Seacrest called the American Idol host "history's greatest monster" and postulated that he actually was Satan — he's decided to let it all out in an interview on Esquire's Website, on the occasion of the imminent publication of his new book, Real Hollywood Stories. But it's not just Hollywood that incurs his wrath. Below, a few things he'd like to say to Al Gore, Nicolas Cage, and Slate's Ron Rosenbaum.

Al Gore: "How the fuck do you still walk the Earth after handing the keys to the White House to George W. Bush and Dick Cheney? I don’t want to hear about Nader and Florida. You lost Tennessee and West Virginia. How on earth do you not disembowel yourself? Take your fucking Nobel Prize and drop dead."

Ron Rosenbaum, who wrote an overblown and overreferenced essay for Slate last year on the death of the celebrity profile: "If you want to say it like some kind of cliché, the only thing more tired and worn out than the celebrity profile is guys writing about how worn out and tired celebrity profiles are."

Nic Cage: “When you were balling Lisa Marie, did you ever pretend to be Elvis?”

Scott Raab: How to Talk To Famous People [Esquire]