The Yankees lost last night to the first-place Tampa Bay Rays when Mariano Rivera surrendered a walk-off hit to right-fielder Gabe Gross. Read that sentence again, and it’s almost understandable that Hank Steinbrenner is upset. But his trademark bat-shit insane quotes are starting to stray from mere off-the-cuff remarks to borderline self-parody. Here’s an exercise: See if you can pick out the real Hank quote below from among parodies published in The Onion. We’ll even include the headlines, since they’re all equally hard to believe.

• From an article titled “Yankees Bury Bernie Williams Under New Stadium for Good Luck”: "Not that this organization believes in curses. We're the Yankees. We believe the success of our team is based purely on our players and their on-field performance. And we act accordingly."

• From an article titled “Yankees To Build Stadiums In Every MLB City For Away Games”: "The New York Yankees are a proud, venerable franchise that should never have to be subjected to artificial turf, domes, other teams' logos, or anything unfamiliar or unfavorable."

• From an article titled “Report: Hank wants Yanks to play more like Rays”: "This is going to get turned around. If it's not turned around this year, then it will be turned around next year, by force if we have to."

—Joe DeLessio

Yankees Bury Bernie Williams Under New Stadium for Good Luck [Source]
Yankees To Build Stadiums In Every MLB City For Away Games [Source]
Report: Hank wants Yanks to play more like Rays [Source]

Okay, it's kind of obvious. But admit it, you had to scroll over the links to be sure.

Earlier: Hank Steinbrenners Greatest Hits