It must be Christmas in July, because we've been, er, blessed with some news about our favorite media fiend, Peter Braunstein. The former writer is currently serving eighteen-to-life in New York for dressing as a firefighter and then sexually assaulting a woman on Halloween in 2005, but today he was sentenced to an additional 23 years in prison in Ohio for attacking a Cincinnati man while he was on the run. (Ohio, why you always gotta get involved in our business?)

Of course, Braunstein simply cannot emerge before an audience without dropping some serious wisdom, and like a psychopathic Santa, our man delivered the goodies.

• "There was an absurdist quality to this proceeding."
Translation: Dude's a hell of a lot more lucid than we give him credit for.

• "[I'll] orchestrate my own murder … It's not very hard. I've always been kind of a Hamlet character."
Translation: Peter has ambitious plans for prison-community theater.

• "In my life, I had various careers and wore various hats (but) I was always trying to keep all these demons inside me caged. It just came out of the woodwork and I became a psychopath."
Translation: This all could have been prevented with a good career counselor.

• "When I had freedom I had to make decisions. Do I become a criminal? Do I continue to let my rage build until I become a homicidal maniac? Do I commit suicide? In jail, I have peace."
Translation: Prison is a lot like the ashram part of Eat Pray Love.

• "That place [Rikers] was some sort of a Gladiator's ring."
Translation: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
—Jessica Coen

Fire fiend Peter Braunstein gets 23 years - in Ohio [NYDN]
Related: Sex and the City: The Horror Movie [NYM]