Earlier, we read about Rockefeller Auguste, an architectural designer from Brooklyn who was arrested in front of his midtown office yesterday for attempting to hire a hit man to kill his wife and cut off her hand with a samurai sword. We were intrigued — a samurai sword! — and so, like the crackerjack crime reporters we are, we called Captain James Coan of the organized crime unit to find out more. "Give it to us straight, Jimbo," we said, "What are we lookin' at here?" (Kidding — we didn't say that. We just asked what the deal was with the sword.) "Basically, he has this sword, which he has some type of affinity to," Coan explained patiently. "It's like a classical-looking Japanese sword. He's had it a long time. Apparently he travels with it to and from work." Whoa. His co-workers must have been weirded out by that. Or not? "They were shocked when we took him out yesterday," Coan said. He couldn't recall the name of the firm, which was on Eighth Avenue. A cop had posed as the hit man, and when Auguste gave him the sword with which he was meant to do the deed, they arrested him. After that, they called his wife to let her know he had planned to eliminate her. Was she, um, surprised? we asked. Coan thought this was hi-larious.

"Was she surprised to hear that he was planning on eliminating her and having her hands cut off?" he chortled. "Or not both hands. Her left hand. YEAH, she was surprised. She was very surprised. Kind of shocked, even."

Someone in the background chimed in in a high-pitched voice: "I knew he hated me, but I didn't think he'd chop me up."

(Uproarious laughter)

Whatever! So we're not real crime reporters. But dude carried a sword around. You'd think that would be a hint that something was awry.

Earlier: Brooklyn Man Hires Hit Man to Cut Off Wife’s Hand With Samurai Sword