Or so thinks dirty old man Ted Casablancas a.k.a. Bruce Bibby, whose excitable-inscrutable voice just interrupted the nonstop America-is-melting newsfeed through our brains with this very special report: "C2, who now calls New Yawk home, always gets a text message from Lauren-love whenever he touches down in Hell-Ay. Booty text, perhaps? 'Not at all, they're just friends,' said a pal of the dude with the best highlights in the Biz. We've been in T-town long enough to know that 'just friends' is code for total BS." Bless Ted for continuing to keep track of these things right now. He should have a role in government, actually. Like as Head Distractor. His official role would be to draw the world's attention to what people like L.C. and Chace are doing with their taut young bodies and away from what's happening with the economy, thereby stopping them from panicking and pulling all their money out of the market and saving everything. Wait, maybe he already has that job. [E! Online]