That's right, people. Mr. Plumber was up onstage at some kind of conservative awards show when, overcome by the standing ovation he was receiving from the audience, he remarked, "God, all this love and everything in the room — I'm horny." Hey, we won't begrudge a man a little companionship — even if that man, really, is someone we should've stopped paying attention to five months ago but who makes that nearly impossible. So, to help Joe find himself a woman, we're going to get the ball rolling on a personal ad. Joe, we really know very little about you, but we've done our best, so feel free to use this as a starting point and run with it.

Name: Joe the Plumber
Occupation: Unlicensed plumber/war correspondent/struggling writer
Religion: Something Jesus-y for sure
Hobbies: Tossing the football around with my son, maintaining a closely shorn head, railing against socialism, helping America go digital, sometimes plumbing
Likes: Israel, Sarah Palin, America, war propaganda — in that order
Dislikes: Spreading wealth around, Barack Obama, John McCain, tax liens, Social Security
Future Goals: Opening up my own plumbing business if I'm not taxed to death first, recording a country album, maybe running for Congress
What I'm Looking for in a Woman: Laura Ingraham
What Turns Me On: Applause, apparently

Joe the Plumber tells conservatives he's 'horny' [Political Ticker/CNN]