We've been doing our best to ignore the gurgling conflict between blogger Perez Hilton and Miss America runner-up Carrie Prejean, for four reasons: 1) Prejean is allowed to believe that religious marriage is between a man and a woman, 2) Miss America USA contestants are allowed to be dim enough to not realize there are differences between that and civil marriage, and even so, her answer sort of indicated that she understood there are and appreciates that Americans have the right to choose, 3) no one makes policy decisions based on what those girls say, and 4) Perez is perfectly within his rights to get mad at Prejean for telling him to his face that she believes that his inherent way of life is unnatural. It's a non-story — or it was, until today, when we learned some very upsetting news. Miss California has in the past dated, and may still be dating, Olympic hero Michael Phelps.

As you know, we have a special place in our hearts for Phelps (his chest mostly, but sometimes also his legs). And, if you follow it logically, if Phelps is close with Prejean, she might be able to convince him that gay marriage isn't right. And if Michael Phelps believes that marriage equality is unnatural, he may never settle down with Intel editor Chris in a mansion in Larchmont with an Olympic-size swimming pool, two pugs, and mirrors on the ceiling of the shower. THIS MUST BE STOPPED.

Incidentally, today both Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears came out in favor of gay marriage. Okay, this is going to hurt us to say, but Michael: Have you ever considered dating one of them? They, um, seem really great. And normal. We hear Britney's single. Why don't you, gulp, give her a call?

Miss Cali and Mr. Olympian, Sitting In A Tree! [Perez Hilton]
Britney comes out for gay marriage following Miss California row [Pink News]