A 24-foot "basking shark" launched itself onto the shores of Long Island this morning in an obvious attempt to torpedo as many beachgoing humans as possible. "Basking sharks" are the second largest species of shark in the world, second only to whale sharks. They are toothless and usually remain near the surface, looking for plankton and other small organisms to eat. This biology was used by humans today to incorrectly assume that the beast — which they assumed to be dying from an unknown illness — was in Suffolk County on a peaceful mission. In fact, many human respondents tried very hard to save the shark and push it out into deeper water — only to receive mild thwacking from its fins and tail as a result.

Obviously, we do not buy this bunk about the shark being "harmless." Sure, it may not have been able to devour little Timmy with its gummy jaw, but a 24-foot shark could clearly take out an entire pack of skimboarding tween kids in OP rash guards if it got up its speed. And hello, it hangs out near the surface of the water and appears to be peaceful? You know what that sounds like? Dolphins and whales, the threatening sea creatures who have steadily been creating an unseen perimeter around New York Harbor for months now. Last week we predicted sharks would be the next to get involved in this animal-human assault. Now will you listen to us??

24-Foot Shark Washes Up on L.I. Beach [NBC New York]