Bernie Madoff's Montauk home is up for sale, and U.S. marshals, who we imagine are only now putting it on the market after partying in it all summer, revealed the spread to the press last week. Like the man himself, the decor is kind of boring and disappointing, compared to the scope of his crime, despite the best attempts of U.S. Marshal Roland Ubaldo, who appears to be making a bid for his own show on the Fine Living network, to talk it up.

"There's an understated elegance, I believe, in this whole residence," said Marshal Ubaldo. "It's simple, stylish, but it is understated ... From left to right, you have [a] panoramic view of the Atlantic Ocean, the 20-foot, 30-foot drop from the top of the stairs down to the ground floor — it truly is amazing."

You also have an insanely gross pebble-encrusted TV room and Formica countertops in the kitchen.

The equally gross furniture ("from chinaware to silverware to the rocking chair that Ruth Madoff may have sat on while reading a book watching the waves roll in") will be auctioned off separately; we're not sure when or by whom yet, but while we're awaiting the information from the would-be host of Cribs: Foreclosed and Overexposed, we'd like to start the bidding on these ducks right here in the comments.