A life-size fiberglass cow originally created during the city's CowParade art project in 2000 has vanished from Seth Low Intermediate School in Bensonhurst. The cow had been bought by the school and repainted in a peace motif by the students in 2006. Now it's gone, people are reportedly crying, and everyone knows who to blame: terrorists. "I think it was terrorists, because they don't like peace," posits 11-year-old Niki Lam. That's right, Niki — whether the culprit is an official member of Al Qaeda or simply a common prankster, he (probably a he) has, in fact, inflicted terror in the hearts of you children, and is therefore a terrorist. Or some kind of sex pervert with a faux-cow fetish. Once they waterboard him, we'll find out the whole story.

Brooklyn kids cry over cow-ardly school theft [NYP]

Back in early 2008 the Securities and Exchange Commission was like a baseball team at a crummy school in a run-down neighborhood. They were overweight, out of shape, possibly learning-disabled, and prone to fumbling. Everyone regarded them as basically a joke, especially their coach, Chris Cox, who was really only there so he could fill out his time card in public service and move on to something better. The constant disrespect and lack of attention caused the SEC to develop low self-esteem, and thus, when people were nice to them — like Bernie Madoff — they ate up the attention. But then something very bad happened. Madoff, having lured them into his home with stories and sweets, violently raped the SEC, wrote HAHAHA SUCKERS on their foreheads, and hung them by their underwear on a fence outside the gym. Not literally, but, you know, metaphorically. After this humiliating incident made national headlines, the school finally took it upon themselves to appoint a new coach, in the form of SEC head of enforcement Robert S. Khuzami, or, as we're calling him after today's feel-good NYT story, the Khuzmaster.

Goldman Sachs spokesman Lucas van Praag is apparently way too pissed at the Times to give them any more page views. Today, he took to the Huffington Post to make a point-by-point rebuttal of Gretchen Morgenson and Louise Story's piece in the Sunday Times, headlined "Testy Conflict With Goldman Helped Push A.I.G. to Edge." "This is the third theory the paper has put forward since September 2008," van Praag sniffs in his inimitable manner. "The theories are contradictory and many of the supporting 'facts' don't stand up to serious scrutiny."

Four months after the MTA finally figured out what the H was wrong with the F train comes a report that they're taking drastic steps to improve service on the line — steps that will make things way worse in the short term. The F train will completely shut down for at least seven different weekends this year in large stretches of trendy Brooklyn, between Jay Street-Borough Hall and Church Avenue. As happened for six weekends last year, commuters will be forced to cram into slow-moving shuttles that will cross Cobble Hill, Carroll Gardens, and Park Slope during those time periods. Even yoga instructors are rattled! "People are going to totally freak out," yoga guru Laura Stryjewski told the Post. "Taking the shuttle is a royal pain." So far, the shutdowns are scheduled for the weekends starting February 20, February 27, May 8, May 15, May 22, November 13, and November 20. As a bonus, the dreaded G train will also be shut down those weekends. There are more weekend closures expected in 2011, but don't worry, the F train will definitely be all fixed up by 2012.

It's the 'F'#@! line [NYP]

After we got all worked up about a potential New York blizzard this past weekend for nothing. . . it looks like it’s time to get all worked up again. Forecasters are issuing a “winter storm watch” for all five New York City boroughs, as well as for most of Connecticut, New Jersey and New York, from Tuesday night until Wednesday night. CBS News is predicting “significant snowfall” for the New York City metropolitan area, with anywhere from six to ten inches of snow. [CBS News]

His rival at Goldman Sachs may have won the bonus standoff, but all JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon has to say about that is WHAT ABOUT THIS:

"Calvert Asset Management Company, Inc., the Advisor to the Calvert Funds and a leading provider of sustainable and responsible investing, announced today that JPMorgan Chase and American Express each agreed to adopt an advisory vote on executive compensation as part of their proxy statements for their 2010 annual meetings. Through these advisory votes, both firms will hold a referendum on their compensation practices, providing shareholders with detailed information on salary, bonuses and benefits, and allowing them to vote to affirm or reject the package.

Who's the better man now, Lloyd? Not that Jamie cares what you think.

[PR Newswire via Business Insider]