John McCain is going to be on Saturday Night Live this weekend! He's proven to be pretty funny on the other shows he's been on, but we're interested to see how he does with the young whippersnappers on SNL. Below, we imagine what it would be like if he joined "Weekend Update" for Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers's hilarious "Really" segment:

Poehler: Really, China and Burma? You thought your devastating natural disasters could distract American media from the Democratic primary? Next time try a little harder, guys. Really.
McCain: Really, Life Alert? You really just have to push a button and help magically appears? Really?
Seth Meyers: Really, Vito Fossella? You think you can run for reelection and win? Really? The only thing about you with staying power these days is your baby-making machinery. Really.
McCain: Really, Cindy? You really think you're not a cunty painted trollop? Really? Why did you think I married you?
Poehler: Wow. Really? You went there?
McCain: Really.

Time was, professional robbers all dressed alike. They wore black capes, eye masks, gloves, and accessorized with long, curly mustaches that they twirled with villainous élan. When mustaches and capes fell out of fashion, the robbers moved on to a more streamlined silhouette: black or army-green ski masks, paired with jeans or other dark, undistinguishable separates. A gleamy weapon that read "robber" often completed the look. But now it appears that three maverick robbers have chucked basic black in favor of a more eclectic style. If, as they say, three is a trend, they could end up radically reinventing the look! Take "LI 'Indy'" as the papers call him, the past robber who, over the past two years has been spotted taking money off banks in Manhattan and Long Island wearing "a fisherman's floppy hat," or, alternately, a fedora or a turban. "He may also have been wearing a fake beard," the Post reports. Risky! Fabulous! He's not the only one mixing it up. Another as yet-unknown robber was caught on camera in January wearing "a powder-blue sheepskin bomber cap with earflaps, rectangular glasses, a red scarf, a green military jacket, dark pants and dark shoes." Sort of Williamsburg meets Alpine chalet, no? We love. And for classic style, let us not forget the recently arrested Staten Island Ninja trio, whose smart uniforms of black face cloths and nunchuckus referenced Kabuki depictions of eighth-century Japanese warriors. And they say all the creative people are leaving New York. Pish-posh. Someone call "Sunday Styles."

LI 'INDY' A VILLAINOUS 'RAIDER' [NYP]

We always joke that everything in life should come with a two-drink minimum like at stand-up comedy shows, and we were so right! Vindication! A new study reveals that a drink or two a day may make for stronger bones, while more than two drinks may lead to a broken hip (due to bone loss, not because wasted people are falling down). People in the study who drank between one half and one alcoholic beverage a day were 20 percent less likely than teetotalers to sustain hip fractures, according to The American Journal of Medicine.

What is it about two drinks? It’s that magic number on which so much social interaction hinges. It’s enough to make you feel good but not enough to get you sloppy. And why is it we New Yorkers can so rarely limit our consumption to two drinks? Do we just not want to good times to end? Is it because we have more taxis than you can wave a hand at and don’t have to drive home? Or is it because we’re an extreme generation living in extreme times and are completely incapable of moderation? (Remember the first time you found out that four drinks is considered binge drinking and you were all, “That’s not binge drinking. That’s a warm-up”?)

Every teen drama is, by nature, a recycled composite of previous iterations of the genre. So it makes perfect sense for Lisa Loeb, the patron saint of My So-Called Life, to make an appearance on Gossip Girl. Indeed, it is a fitting nod to those of us watchers of the show (like last week's plotline was a nod to the gays) who should have gotten this sort of thing out of our system ten years ago. Okay, nearly fifteen years ago. That her iconic song, "Stay," was the diegetic soundtrack of a sinister interaction between hopelessly naïve Dan and dangerously vindictive Georgina — well, that was a particularly Gossip Girl twist. And we loved it. As did we love the unholy, Thundercats-like alliance of Nate, Blair, Chuck, and Vanessa that came together to defend Serena and confront the evil of Georgina. It didn't come to complete fruition this episode (such is the fodder of season finales, after all), but we can imagine it now. Chuck, in the form of Lion-O, will summon Tygra (Nate), Panthro (Vanessa), Cheetara (Blair), and maybe even WilyKat and WilyKit (Jenny and Eric) to join forces for the ultimate cosmic confrontation against Mumr-Ra (Georgina).

Well, that's how it would happen in our version. We are, after all, indulging our generational obsessions this week. And so we come to our weekly Gossip Girl episode recap, in which we evaluate which things were real (like the fire-hazard candles at Lily's rehearsal dinner), fake (like Rufus's "singing voice"), and every glorious little thing in between. Thundercats, HO!

The "It" in the headline, of course, is the auburn-highlighted hair color that both Uma Thurman and Chris Matthews adopted this week. Uma's was for her new movie, Motherhood, but we're not quite sure why Matthew's made the change from his normal frosty-blond locks. The MSNBC host's light, flippy hair has sort of become his trademark over the years (that and a voice that hits your eardrum like a Q-tip that went a quarter-inch too far), so why the change now? Is he worried that he's looking too much like Hillary Clinton these days? Anyway, what do you think? Who wore it better?

We say Chris. Ever since Uma went redhead for Batman & Robin, we've never been able to take her seriously. Sorry, her hair seriously.

Chris Matthews Debuts New Hairdo [HuffPo]

In today's Post there's a pretty sad story about Lebanon. Gun battles are ravaging the capital of Beirut, four people were killed, and eight more wounded. The fighting is between Sunni Muslims who support the government and Shiites who support Hezbollah. Wow, Arabs killing one another in the Middle East in desperate, decades-long civil conflicts. What does that remind you of? Oh, yeah. Israel. Mazel tov on your 60th birthday, from the Post!

Sectarian Violence Rocks Lebanon [NYP]

We just got our hands on an early, early copy of New York Times columnist David Carr's memoir, The Night of the Gun: A Reporter Investigates the Darkest Story of His Life. His Own. It documents Carr's adult life of addiction and recovery as well as his career and family trajectory. Because of the recent strain on the genre by hoaxers like JT LeRoy, Margaret Seltzer, and James Frey, Carr actually went to the trouble of video-interviewing other participants in the events that he remembered, just to be as accurate as possible. The book begins with an explanation of this, with the disclaimer: "Every effort was made to corroborate memory with fact, and in significant instances where that was not possible, it is noted in text … All of which is not to say that every word of this book is true — all human stories are subject to errors of omission, fact, or interpretation regardless of intent — only that it is as true as I could make it."

Hooray! We thought that the writer-on-an-insane-drug-binge meme was dead. But it's not — it's fully alive. In fact, Carr tells us exactly what it's like to be a young media person on crack. We have no idea if this is how it was when Whitney Houston did it, but we'd like to imagine it that way. After the jump, Carr describes his life with Anna, the mother of his twin daughters, whom he met while she was dealing cocaine.

We Daily Intel bloggers often work at home … alone, isolated, no flesh-and-blood colleagues to mutter annoyances aloud to or smoke your brains out with in front of the building. We crave human faces and voices. Which is why, from virtually the moment we rise from our humble Murphy bed (seriously!) until the moment we leave the house in the evening to drink off the LED stupor, we are cosseted and amused by the warm, burbling tones of NY1. [Ed. note: Tim Murphy, our beloved contributor watches NY1 exclusively. We other Daily Intellers obviously take time out to watch The View, and Live anytime Anderson is subbing in for Regis.] Hence the sharp, contemptuous "Ha!" we emitted this morning upon learning that NBC plans to launch in November a competitor channel to NY1. Brashly titled "New York's Newschannel," it'll go 24 hours a day and cover not only the five B's but the greater region, including New Jersey and Connecticut (areas that NY1, in its own commercials, rightly congratulates itself for ignoring). We predict it will fail, leaving NY1 the undisputed chronicler of midday drive-by shootings in Morrisania and senior-citizen découpage summits in Sheepshead Bay. At the risk of drawing attention to NY1's secret weapons in this moment of challenge, we will enumerate the ten reasons NBC will topple before the Mighty Queen of the Lower-Left-Corner Time and Weather Logo…

If you’re like us and you prefer not to vomit all over your keyboard whenever you log on to a news Website, you’ve probably had about enough of this ongoing story revolving around a deranged Austrian dad who (spoiler alert: if you have a pretty decent opinion of the human race, it will be spoiled by reading further) locked his daughter in a secret underground lair and raped her, to the tune of seven children (one of which died, three of which never saw the world outside the incest dungeon), over the course of 24 years. We could probably understand the justification for making this news when it first came out: The pure shock, plus the feat of finding the newest most despicable person in the world — these are the two major components of most cable-news stories. But this has gone on way past its expiration date. CNN has featured the story so often that they need only to refer to “Incest Dad” in the headlines. (Needless to say, they don’t give you the T-shirt option on that one.) Look, CNN, MSNBC, whoever: We get it. This dude is terrible. But we seriously doubt there is anybody clamoring for this trickle of new, horrible details you’re supplying on a daily basis. Please never cover this again. —Dan Amira

Incest dad: I cared for my secret family [CNN]

Last week, just as the Rockettes announced they'd be taking a jumbo version of their Christmas spectacular on the road to eighteen cities, about 400 lithe ladies lined up outside Radio City Music Hall in hopes of being among the 30 or 40 new dancers on the legendary kick line. It's competitive — even many active members have to re-audition — but entry means the chance to be a smiling cog in the world's most famous dance machine, not to mention a hefty salary (which a rep wouldn't disclose) for three months' work, from October through December. Five chorines who made the week's first cut told us why they wanted to be on the line. —Tim Murphy

ALANNA LIPSKY, 24, Upper West Side, catering captain.
Why do you want to be a Rockette?
I've heard it's a really great experience. They work you really hard. I'd like to be dancing full-time, not working in a catering hall.
What was hardest in the audition?
Just to keep your cool and emote this vibe that makes people want to look at you. It's more about a presence than the steps, which weren't that complicated.
Did you have to high kick?
Tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I can kick to my nose.