Godspeed, Mike D’Antoni. Over the weekend, the former Suns coach accepted the Most Impossible Position in Sports: coaching the Knicks team assembled by Isiah Thomas. Further handcuffing him is the fact that Thomas’s underachievers are especially ill-suited for his fast-paced brand of offense, which is based upon the premise that the team should shoot within the first seven seconds of a possession. (For comparison’s sake, Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph are just about crossing half-court seven seconds into a possession — assuming they got back on defense in the first place.)

All of this, of course, has given the local columnists a chance to play both soothsayer and armchair GM, and map out some possible scenarios for the D’Antoni era.

Childbirth is gruesome business. In fact, we’d probably do everything we could to avoid the entire process, were we not physically required to be there. Alex Rodriguez managed to get out of witnessing both of his children’s births. When his first daughter, Natasha Alexander Rodriguez, came into the world, in 2004, the New York Yankee passed out during the proceedings. His wife, Cynthia Rodriguez, tells the YES Network’s YESterday’s program:

“The one nurse had a cold cloth on his head. The other nurse had the blood pressure on his arm. And my mother was like rubbing his back. And he is passed out on a couch. And I am there, in the middle of labor…And he is there moaning. In between pushing, I am going, ‘Honey, are you OK?’ and ‘Are you breathing? Are you OK?'"

Geez, A-Rod, why does it always have to be about you?

The Daily News is continuing in its quest to damage Roger Clemens's reputation and thereby sabotage the pitcher's defamation lawsuit against former trainer Brian McNamee. Today, we learn that country singer Mindy McCready may not have been the only long-running affair conducted by a married Clemens. The News reports that he also dallied for many years with Paulette Dean Daly, former wife of golfer John Daly. Paulette wouldn't comment on the affair when reached by the tabloid (it allegedly occurred after her divorce), but apparently they met at a golf tournament in Palm Springs, after which Clemens began showering her with gifts and trips.

Now that the former Yankee's public reputation is pretty much in the gutter, lawyers say he'll have a hard time nailing McNamee (who is the source of all of the steroid allegations against Clemens) for defamation of character. But what we want to know is, how the heck did Clemens snag all these pretty blondes? We watched his congressional testimony. Dude is not a conversationalist.

Roger Clemens Linked to Daly's Ex [NYDN]
Related: Roger Clemens's Icky Affair

Pulitzer Prize–winning author Buzz Bissinger (Friday Night Lights) raged against the blogs during a segment on sports blogs on Bob Costas Live last night. And most of his vitriol was spewed in the direction of fellow guest Will Leitch, editor of Deadspin.com. From Bissinger’s opening glare, it was clear things weren’t going to go well and the situation quickly escalated.

“I really think you’re full of shit," Bissinger told Leitch. "I think that blogs are dedicated to cruelty, they’re dedicated to journalistic dishonesty."

He added: “It really pisses the shit out of me. It is the complete dumbing down of our society.”

It definitely made for some riveting television. Our blood pressure went up just watching him. Leitch handled the situation with aplomb and wrote a response post today, explaining how he managed to stay so calm during Bissinger’s forehead-vein-popping tirade.

We suppose we could have punched him in the nose or something, called him an asshole, said he was a piece of shit. It might have made for more riveting television; we are certain Costas wouldn't have minded. But that would have been counterproductive. When you see someone flailing desperately at someone, something, anything, there's nothing more to do than sit there, bemused and bewildered, amazed at what was happening, just like everyone else was. We cannot imagine any reasonable human being watching that display and saying, "doggone it, that raving man has a point!"

—Noelle Hancock

Buzz Bissinger Hates Blogs [Buzzfeed]
Of Jimmy Olson Spittle and the Dying of the Light [Deadspin]

Roger Clemens has more trouble on his hands. The Daily News today blows the lid off a ten-year affair that the former Yankee pitcher allegedly had with a country singer. He met the performer, Mindy McCready, when he was 28 (already the married father of two) and she was 15, at a karaoke bar. They reportedly embarked upon an affair that involved lavish trips, flights on private jets, and frequent cash gifts. Clemens denies the affair but acknowledges a long-term friendship with the blonde star. The News goes to extreme length laying out their case that the affair will punch holes in Clemens's lawsuit against former trainer Brian McNamee. Clemens is suing for defamation, and experts say that the affair revelations may tarnish his reputation enough to make the pitcher's claim against McNamee meaningless. So basically, the Daily News just saved Brian McNamee a whole bunch of money. Thanks, guys! But really, did you have to spend so much of your coverage to the whole lawsuit thing? Because we wanted to get back to the part where the country singer was 15 when she started dating Roger Clemens. There wasn't even one sentence about the implications of that little tidbit. Who cares about a former pitcher with a failed lawsuit, when we could have a pitcher with a statutory-rape trial on our hands?

Roger's 10-year Fling [NYDN]
Related: Roger and Him [NYM]

Some lucky (and highly wealthy) Sox fan bought David Ortiz’s “cursed” Red Sox jersey today. You know, the one the Yankees dug up after discovering that a construction worker had buried the shirt in a concrete slab under the new Yankee Stadium? Anyway, the Yanks handed it over to the Jimmy Fund, the Red Sox’s charity, which then put it up for auction on eBay. Today's final bid of $175,000 came from Kevin Meehan of Mendon, Massachusetts, the owner of Imperialcars.com. It’s a mighty sum for sure, but it’s going toward cancer research, which is always great. We were even getting a little teary-eyed when Meehan talked about how his father died of cancer and his stepfather is suffering from the disease. Then, however, we saw the part in the Huffington Post article where Meehan says: "I have three young boys that I take to the games and they would have killed me if I didn't buy the shirt."

Wait, his kids would kill him if he didn’t pay $175,000 for a shirt? Dude needs to do himself a favor and buy some new kids while he's at it. Before he becomes one of those vacant-eyed dads on My Super Sweet Sixteen, staring helplessly as his kid pitches a fit because he wouldn’t rent him a diamond-encrusted climbing wall for his birthday party. That never turns out well for anyone. —Noelle Hancock

Red Sox Ortiz Jersey Buried In New Yankee Stadium Sells For $175,000 [HuffPo]

Not that you didn’t already know that the Knicks were absolutely, positively the worst team in the history of professional sports, but a new ESPN survey has reconfirmed it, this time statistically. The network’s magazine surveyed 80,000 sports fans about a number of topics related to their fandom (ownership, affordability, coach), and out of 122 pro franchises, the Knicks not only came in 122nd, they did so with no uncertainty. They came in dead last in two categories (fan relations and players), in the bottom five in all but two, and in the bottom ten in all but one. The only exception to their ineptitude? They were ranked a still-lowly 95th in “Stadium Experience,” which is hilariously abbreviated “STD” on ESPN’s chart. Feel free to insert your own joke about Stephon Marbury’s truck in the comments. —Joe DeLessio

Ultimate Standings: Fan Satisfaction Rankings [ESPN]

Hank Steinbrenner is at it again! Not satisfied with the Yankees' 10-10 start to the season, he’s let it be known that he wants Joba Chamberlain in the starting rotation — and he wants it done eight months ago. “There is no question about it,” he told the Times, “you don’t have a guy with a 100-mile-per-hour fastball and keep him as a setup guy. You just don’t do that. You have to be an idiot to do that.” Hank, apparently playing the part of the non-idiot in this scenario, also made it clear the decision was not his.

“The mistake was already made last year switching him to the bullpen out of panic or whatever,” Steinbrenner said. “I had no say in it last year and I wouldn’t have allowed it. That was done last year, so now we have to catch up. It has to be done on a schedule so we don’t rush him.”

Of course, Hank’s version is more than a little revisionist. First of all, despite Joba’s meteoric rise through the minor-league system, Hank (or anyone else, for that matter) couldn’t have envisioned that he’d be quite this good. And even if he did, Hank surely had enough pull last year to at least raise an objection, even if it would have been ignored. As for its being a panic move, by the time Joba made his debut, the Yankees had already made up much of the ground in the standings and were just a half-game out of the wild card. (Contrast that to signing a 44-year-old Roger Clemens in May when they owned the fourth-worst record in the American League.)

Remember that David Ortiz jersey that the Yankees dug up from their new stadium last weekend? The one Hank Steinbrenner referred to as “a bunch of bullshit” in the Post? Well, apparently there’s quite a market for said "bullshit," because the Jimmy Fund, a Boston-based cancer charity, is auctioning it off on eBay. As of the time this post went up, it had 99 bids — highest of which is $30,101. It’s for charity, so we guess that’s great and all, but Holy Joba, 30 grand for a baseball jersey?! UniWatch’s Paul Lukas has already pointed out that it is a cheap replica jersey. Even in the world of gimmicky Boston jerseys auctioned off by the Jimmy Fund, that’s a high price; ESPN.com columnist Bill Simmons donated what he considered an unlucky Patriots jersey after New England lost the Super Bowl, and it only garnered a measly $5,100.14. We wonder if the buyer is even a Sox fan — since the only thing it seems to have cursed is Ortiz himself, who’s hitting just .121 so far this season. —Joe DeLessio

Ortiz "Yankees Curse" Jersey to benefit the Jimmy Fund [eBay]

We always knew in our heads that boyishly handsome, Super Bowl–owning Giants quarterback Eli Manning would get married. After all, he's been together with his gorgeous blonde sweetheart, Ally McGrew, since they met in college. But deep down in our hearts, we were kind of in denial. It's bad enough that we have to see Gisele Bündchen carrying around a giant Tiffany diamond and Tom Brady's illegitimate baby. Of course they were going to stick together and go on to produce a superrace. But Eli? Eli was supposed to be within reach for us. Eli was supposed to give hope that sports heroes could be just like everybody else. Eli was supposed to stay single — that is, until the day his eyes met ours across the crowded floor at Hogs 'n' Heifers, and everything changed … But NO. He had to go down to Cabo San Lucas this week, like every other damn celebrity, and get ready to marry McGrew. Couldn't you just blow chunks? The Daily News' Jo Piazza reports that they'll tie the knot this weekend at the One&Only resort. And what about the rest of us, Eli? Who gets to be our one and only?

Eli's Got Hot Date South of the Border [NYDN]
Related: Underdog [NYM]