Clinton! Books! Movies! Concerts!

We’re not saying they’re open to the public, and we’re not saying you’ll necessarily be able to get in if you show up. But here are the big-name parties on tap for tonight. Expect to hear about them in the next few days’ gossip columns.

T.J. Martell Foundation’s Humanitarian of the Year Award. Marriott Marquis, 1535 Broadway at 45th St., 5:45 p.m. Bill Clinton receives the award from fading top-40 chanteuse Sheryl Crow. It’s like the setup for a 1997 Jay Leno punch line! Also promised to attend: Russell Simmons, Clive Davis, Ed Bradley … and Vince Neil. A silent auction will include the chance to win “one-of-a-kind experiences” with “Hilary Duff, the New York Yankees,” and Buzz Aldrin. And yes, we made that sound more interesting than it is through selective press-release-editing.

Quill Awards gala. American Museum of Natural History, Central Park W. at 79th St., 6 p.m. This is perhaps the best crashing opportunity of the night: A literary awards ceremony involving a performance by an American Idol singer (Fantasia); celebs including Donald Trump, Judd Hirsch, and Suzanne Somers; and actual authors ranging from Judy Blume to James Patterson to the guy who writes Lemony Snicket. With that odd crowd, how could anyone look out of place?
• Cocktails and screening of Little Children, based on the Tom Perrotta novel and starring Kate Winslet. The Roy & Nita Titus Theater, the Museum of Modern Art, 11 W. 53rd St., nr. Fifth Ave., 6:30 p.m.. The movie’s supposed to be good, and the guest list promises a number of famous-for-good-reason names like Stephen Sondheim, David Chase, Edie Falco, James Lapine, and Amy Poehler. So we’ll refrain from snarking on this one.
• After-party for Lily Allen concert. The Manor, 73 Eighth Ave., at 14th St., late. A very special Trashion party will feature this Londoner of the moment, fresh from her Hiro Ballroom gig around the corner. D.J.’s Aaron Lacrate and Mark Ronson round out the bill; vicious blogger backlash scheduled to start around midnight.
New York’s Ariel Levy on The Colbert Report. Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m. So this apparently big-deal comedian guy — we think we saw him on some rag’s cover this week — hosts our very own Ariel Levy tonight to discuss her book Female Chauvinist Pigs. What we’ll be watching.

Or looking for something lower-key and more accessible? Check out all our Agenda listings for tonight, selected by New York’s culture editors.