We're not saying they're open to the public, and we're not saying you'll necessarily be able to get in if you show up. But here are the big-name parties on tap for tonight. Expect to hear about them in the next few days' gossip columns.
• T.J. Martell Foundation's Humanitarian of the Year Award. Marriott Marquis, 1535 Broadway at 45th St., 5:45 p.m. Bill Clinton receives the award from fading top-40 chanteuse Sheryl Crow. It's like the setup for a 1997 Jay Leno punch line! Also promised to attend: Russell Simmons, Clive Davis, Ed Bradley … and Vince Neil. A silent auction will include the chance to win "one-of-a-kind experiences" with "Hilary Duff, the New York Yankees," and Buzz Aldrin. And yes, we made that sound more interesting than it is through selective press-release-editing.
• Quill Awards gala. American Museum of Natural History, Central Park W. at 79th St., 6 p.m. This is perhaps the best crashing opportunity of the night: A literary awards ceremony involving a performance by an American Idol singer (Fantasia); celebs including Donald Trump, Judd Hirsch, and Suzanne Somers; and actual authors ranging from Judy Blume to James Patterson to the guy who writes Lemony Snicket. With that odd crowd, how could anyone look out of place?
• Cocktails and screening of Little Children, based on the Tom Perrotta novel and starring Kate Winslet. The Roy & Nita Titus Theater, the Museum of Modern Art, 11 W. 53rd St., nr. Fifth Ave., 6:30 p.m.. The movie's supposed to be good, and the guest list promises a number of famous-for-good-reason names like Stephen Sondheim, David Chase, Edie Falco, James Lapine, and Amy Poehler. So we'll refrain from snarking on this one.
• After-party for Lily Allen concert. The Manor, 73 Eighth Ave., at 14th St., late. A very special Trashion party will feature this Londoner of the moment, fresh from her Hiro Ballroom gig around the corner. D.J.'s Aaron Lacrate and Mark Ronson round out the bill; vicious blogger backlash scheduled to start around midnight.
• New York's Ariel Levy on The Colbert Report. Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m. So this apparently big-deal comedian guy — we think we saw him on some rag's cover this week — hosts our very own Ariel Levy tonight to discuss her book Female Chauvinist Pigs. What we'll be watching.
Or looking for something lower-key and more accessible? Check out all our Agenda listings for tonight, selected by New York's culture editors.