If Madonna is adopting a baby from Malawi, his name is Luca. Joan Crawford had crabs. Dustin Hoffman bought vegetables at Fairway. Steve Wynn put his elbow through a Picasso. Screech’s sex tape is “quite humorous and, at times, arousing.” James Baker ate at ‘21.’ Horace Mann students made fun of their teachers. Penelope Cruz and Pedro Almodóvar partied with drag queens for their movie, Volver. Jimmy Fallon went to the Empire State Pride Agenda dinner last week; Anderson Cooper did not. City comptroller Bill Thompson is learning to speak Spanish. Harvey Weinstein hosted a Bobby screening; famous people attended. Keith Olbermann may have had a one-night stand with a woman who now blogs about it. Liz Smith thinks Garvey’s, in the theater district, has good nachos. Bruce Springsteen once made a secret album, just for his kids. It took Harry Shearer six years to write his new book, Not Enough Indians. Paris Hilton didn’t know the word “versatile,” which frustrated Kathy Griffin. Lloyd Grove is done at the Daily News.