You Will Not Get to See Britney and K-Fed Have Sex. And You Are Thankful.

Breaking: There is no Fed-Ex–Britney sex tape! (At least not for public consumption.) Josh Hartnett is in New Zealand, no longer with Scarlett Johansson. Barbara Bush (the young one) was robbed in Argentina. Heather Mills didn't much enjoy her marriage to Paul McCartney. Taye Diggs and Ashlee Simpson are "just friends." Some people are mad about former Citigroup chairman Sandy Weill's new book. NBC has better morning-show and evening-news ratings than ABC, and don't think the Rock Center folks let the Disney kids forget it. MSNBC correspondent David Shuster eats his blog, literally. Paris Hilton went on a charity date with the highest bidder (she also may or may not have thrown up on stage in Las Vegas). Debutante season is here! Wall Street bonus season is here! Liz Smith compares Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to David Gest and Liza Minnelli. Cindy Adams has a breakdown of what different stars will be doing on Thanksgiving. (Matt Dillon, believe it or not, will be eating.)