Now that Google has set up its big new digs in New York, are we to be beset by articles on each Googly yogurt in every Google-indexed refrigerator? Apparently so. On the heels of this weekend's "Sunday Styles" exposé on Google's New York culture, today's Times brings news of Google's new hiring practices, including a 300-plus item questionnaire that will be flung before all applicants like so many Scantron gauntlets. We're fond of the company — we're very attached to our ability to stalk blind dates with impunity — but we're worried that the job application, which considers factors like dog ownership and world records set, may be stacked against potential employees for the Gotham branch. After the jump, our suggested regional tweaks. Remember to fill in your circles completely and make your marks dark!
1. If I work at Google, there will be, like, eight rooms of free food around me all the time. I will:
(a) Gain ten to fifteen pounds.
(b) Put stickies on yogurt with my name.
(c) Vomit in bathroom, subsequently delay subway.
2. I have set many world records, including but not limited to:
(d) I am also a ninja spy.
3. I would like to explain to 600 Ph.D.'s that they are about to get pink-slipped, but I need to be subtle. I:
(a) Open the office door and loudly complain about a "Jew cabal."
(b) Call them fat, ugly slobs.
(c) Tell them to sit and spin.
(d) Tell the Times first, burying that detail in an article about how we're changing our hiring processes.
The only correct answer is (d) on question No. 3.