Job: Comedian; appearing in tonight’s Laugh Don’t Destroy, a comedy benefit for Develop Don’t Destroy Brooklyn
Neighborhood: Park Slope
Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?
It’s a toss-up between FDR and Spider-Man.
What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in New York?
I love Brooklyn Fish Camp — lobster knuckles, Louisiana lump crab au gratin, whole fried fish that’s been punched in the face and yelled at — it’s all delicious. Blue Ribbon is also great and open till 4 a.m. Their foie gras is to die for (at least for the geese).
In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
I hold a mirror up to society and also drink a lot. And I break rules, or at least guidelines.
Where do you get your coffee?
What’s the last thing you saw on Broadway?
A homeless man pee near/on Crate and Barrel. Do you see what I did with that? Now you know why I am a Level-8 Noticer.
Do you give money to panhandlers?
Occasionally. Doesn’t everyone? That’s how they stay in office.
What’s your drink?
Scotch. However, I have begun infusing vodkas with savory things like horseradish and garlic. I am very fancy.
How often do you prepare your own meals?
Once a day, sometimes more, if I can find fresh ingredients.
What’s your favorite medication?
What’s hanging above your sofa?
A childlike painting I made. There is a pinkish inchworm that is very mad at Rumsfeld. And much more, including a horsey.
How much is too much to spend on a haircut?
$1,000,000. That is definitely too much. There are probably many right answers to this.
Whenever I’m done fucking!
Brunch: pro or con?
This is the sort of question that makes people hate America. I do enjoy brunch, though.
What’s your thread count?
I don’t have sheets. I sleep in a bronze tub of warm water, because of how successful I am.
What do you hate most about living in New York?
Everyone is so sexy you want to punch them. Actually, that’s L.A. New York? Nothing really. It’s nice here.
What’s your brand of jeans?
Levi’s. And, of course, Diesel, even though they are expensive. Sometimes, I’ll put on some nice jeans and go to a nearby school and laugh at the kids — they can’t afford the same things I can, because they are children!
When’s the last time you drove a car?
Last week. I scratched the rim of a woman’s car when changing lanes. Then I mailed her a check for the estimated damage, which was $50. I’m a nice person.
Who should be the next president?
Harrison Ford. I would like to see him punch Mitt Romney during a debate. Actually, as long as it’s an actor, I don’t care who it is.
Times, Post, or Daily News?
Pompous world events, borderline-retarded gossip/crime, or local rape/murder coverage? I can never decide.
Yankees or Mets?
Kind of the Red Sox, but really I don’t care. I did love to listen to it on the radio back in the thirties. Ha ha. That’s right, baseball is sooooo old.
What makes someone a New Yorker?
Being on Law & Order.