Wherein we arrange Times headlines in verse to bring you secret messages from the paper of record.

All the Body's a Stage

Brother Who Left Wine for Cheese, Dies —
Agency Confirms That Peanut Butter Was Tainted.

Boston Police to Destroy Pepper-Spray Guns:
Bile and Vitriol by the Ton, and Yet Still Never Enough.

As Piazza Sips Elixir of Youth, Williams Nips a Bitter Tonic —
Only the Swans Know Why a Love Has Died....

Aid Sought for Fishermen:
Half-Ton Squid Reeled In,

A Tomato Soup Can, and a Pocketful of Coins.
Let Them Eat Foie Gras (Gift Bags Are So Last Year). —Lizzie Skurnick