A (Conservative) People's History of New York City

20070309nycseal.gif

"A website founded by US religious activists aims to counter what they claim is 'liberal bias' on Wikipedia, the open encyclopedia which has become one of the most popular sites on the web. The founders of Conservapedia.com say their site offers a 'much-needed alternative' to Wikipedia, which they say is 'increasingly anti-Christian and anti-American.'"
The Guardian, London, March 2

New York City (also Gotham, Sodom, Gomorrah, The Big Apple, Satan's Condom) is the headquarters of the elitist East Coast liberal empire [1] and the world's largest sustained experiment in secular humanism.

The city's population is often reported by the mainstream media to be as high as 8 million — but a rigorous count of actual Americans, using the methods of Adjusted Freedom Demography pioneered by Smorgensen in the Patriot Census of 2005 (i.e., excluding immigrants, Jews, ivory-tower communists, and nonrepresentational artists, and counting only three-fifths of descendants of African slaves, as originally intended by the Framers), reveals that New York City's population of legitimate Americans is actually only 312. (Smorgensen found Cheyenne, Wyo., to be the most populous city in America, with almost ten times as many pure Americans as New York.) [2]

Although modern New Yorkers specialize mainly in sodomy, drug-taking, and stealing each other's property (the lower classes via mugging, the upper classes by taxing one another), the early history of the city is actually rather heroic and inspiring. Manhattan was liberated from heathens by seventeenth-century Dutch capitalists, who are said to have bought the island for $24. (The mainstream media often espouses the inequity of this deal, but modern laissez-faire economists believe that the Dutch may actually have been overcharged, particularly when you consider the tremendous hidden costs of clearing out all of the Indians after the sale. [3]) One thousand six hundred and sixty-four years after the martyrdom of Jesus Christ on the cross upon the hill of Calvary, at the hands of the Roman Empire (specifically Pontius Pilate) after having been betrayed by his disciple Judas and forced to carry his own instrument of death upon his back, an event which is the single true foundation of the one true religion of Christianity, the British conquered New York. This set the stage for the city's glory days — first as a major battleground in the American Revolutionary War, then as the young nation's capital. The city peaked when, in 1789, the infallible patriot and faith warrior George Washington was inaugurated president near the free-market cathedral of Wall Street. [4]

Once Washington and his new Governing Army of Divinely Appointed Liberators left for Washington, D.C., in 1790 A.D., however, New York fell prey to the vices that plague it even today: an ever-growing tide of un-American infiltrators, a socialist municipal government, the hysterical adoption of primitive and amoral cultural rituals (jazz, rap, Abstract Expressionism), the liberal media, environmentalism, state-mandated sodomy, and musical theater. In 1857 A.D., Central Park was built in an effort to encourage public homosexuality. In 1952 A.D., in an attempt to cripple the U.S. military, the United Nations settled on Manhattan's East Side, increasing the already cacophonous din of guttural non-American speech sounds on the streets of the new Babel.

Most experts agree that the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, were God's punishment for over two centuries of New Yorkers' decadent sinning — though there is some minor debate about which sins, specifically, led to this smiting. (Believers in usury point to the financial nature of the World Trade Center's businesses, proponents of sodomy stress that the towers resembled two erect male sex organs, etc.). Unbiased historical research shows that the hand of God issued many calamitous pre-9/11 warnings, each of which was recklessly ignored: the Great Flood in the book of Genesis, the Great Fire of 1835 A.D., the Triangle Shirtwaist fire of 1911 A.D., the 1977 A.D. blackout, the Son of Sam killings, and the career of Patrick Ewing.

Recently, New York City's fortunes have seemed to improve. In 2004, for instance, despite the interference of several hundred drug-addled protestors, the city hosted the Republican National Convention that helped vault George W. Bush to his triumphant second term.

Notes

1. Genesis 1:1

2. Neal Smorgensen. Rational Demographics. Cheyenne, Wyo: Freedom Press, 2006.

3. //www.miltonfriedmanisnotdead.com

4. Snike, Dr. John J. Exploring the History of Creation. Evangelical Educational Ministries, Inc. 1998

Sam Anderson