Socialites and Starlets Face Off in a Coast-to-Coast Battle Royale!

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Tinsley vs. Paris: Who's the queen?Photo: Getty Images

New York socialites and Hollywood starlets have traditionally inhabited two separate celebrity worlds. Never mind the continent between them; they also do different things. Society girls bring attention to disfiguring diseases by wearing designer dresses to galas, while their Hollywood counterparts spend evenings talking their way into free drinks at the latest hot bars, usually not wearing any underwear. And, for years, each group has seemed content to remain within its own orbit. Until now.

The Great New York Socialite Invasion of 2007 hit Los Angeles when Tinsley Mortimer and Fabiola Beracasa descended for some Oscar post-parties. It was the first sign of cross-pollination between the two PR-grubbing groups, and we fear it will not go smoothly. Will the L.A. girls tolerate the New Yorkers moving in on their turf? Will the East Coasters give the locals the respect they demand? A battle royale could be in the works. Here's who we see poised for face-offs — and who we predict will be left standing at the end, triumphantly clutching a bloodied hair extension.

Tinsley Mortimer vs. Paris Hilton: The Queen Bees of New York and L.A. will face off. Everybody knows who they are; nobody knows quite what it is that they do. They're both blonde. They both pose on the red carpet with ankles crossed, as if they're bathroom-starved. And their respective cities are kind of tired of both of them. See? They're practically twins. Winner: Tinsley. It should be Paris. (Until she gets a People story headlined "From Topper to Bottom" — it'd be about her scrappy comeback of course — she's just not worthy.) But we can't help hoping that the world would prefer Tinz's calm classiness — as she glides through the city without stealing anyone's man or dragging desperate, depressed starlets on a downward spiral — to Paris's, well, Parisness. Call this one a wishful pick.

Ivanka Trump vs. Nicole Richie: They've both done reality television. They both negotiated a potentially mortifying famous dad. And they both seem relatively smart: Ivanka graduated from the Wharton School of Business, and Nicole realized she needed to stop being associated so closely with Paris Hilton. Winner: Ivanka. In addition to holding an actual job, she has about 50 well-situated pounds on Nicole and could easily take her in hand-to-hand combat. More important, she seems well adjusted, while Nicole has an alleged eating disorder, rumored drug problems, and a well-documented inability to properly operate a motor vehicle.

Jessica Joffe vs. Mandy Moore: These two have more in common than long legs, alliterative names, and hyphenate careers (model-writer and singer-actress, respectively). They've also fallen off the radar lately in the name of "art": Joffe has allegedly been holed up "writing" her "book," while Moore locked herself in a mountain cabin to record her newest album. Winner: Mandy in a landslide. Joffe's public persona is irritatingly pretentious and snobby. Moore looks delightfully healthy and she makes interesting career choices — like starring in the indie flick Saved! and releasing a CD covering Carly Simon and Cat Stevens songs.

Tory Burch vs. Victoria Beckham: One dates the world's greatest cyclist; the other is married to a premier footballer. And they're both designers: Burch stuck a gold medallion on some flats and sold them for $200; Posh slapped a sparkly crown on Rock & Republic jeans. Posh doesn't live in L.A. — yet — but heed this: She's coming to claim some turf. And she'll defend it tooth and manicured nail. Winner: Posh. Tory has her own stores and street cred, but Posh has something even better: bite. She's written a dishy autobiography, she's an ardent fan of Joan Collins, and she never quits, even in the face of resounding failure (like that hip-hop record with Damon Dash). You've got to respect that — or, if you cross her, fear it. — The Fug Girls