Stephen Colbert Does Not Get Along With Public Transportation

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Colbert at the party. Photo: Getty Images

They're breaking ground (again) on the Second Avenue Subway today, perhaps even as we speak. In honor of the occasion, we present you with Stephen Colbert's thoughts on the matter, which we learned at the Hoax premiere last week.

Your show's on the West Side, not the East Side, right?
West Side. I love the East Side. I can see it from the West Side. It looks great from there.

Well, you probably won't care, but they're breaking ground, finally, on the Second Avenue Subway —
It's gonna be on an ancient burial ground! Blood on the tracks. Just pools of blood, and ancient Indian spirits that smite us all! It's gonna happen in the mid-Seventies. It was the rich people who kicked those Indians out.

What's the worst commuting experience you've ever had?
I was once beaten with chains on the Chicago El.

Seriously?
Yeah. Beaten by a motorcycle gang with chains.

Did they take your money?
No, they were just mad. At anybody. There was a security guard on the train, and he didn't do anything. Viciously beaten. —Justin Ravitz