Gypsy-Tramp-Thieves Want to Turn Back Time

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Photo: Amina Akhtar

Species: The Gypsy-Tramp-Thief
Etymology: Gypsy-tramp-thieves ill-advisedly take their wardrobe cues from Cher. From vintage Cher, it's true, but from Cher all the same. And you can't turn back time.
Distinguishing characteristics: GTTs relive the glory days when Cher was still paired up with Sonny. Remember when Cher dressed up like a fortune teller on the duo's variety show? A GTT does. The silver bandana, puffy shirt, and Crayola-red lips can attest to that. A GTT lives in a world of fantasy, where high-waisted shorts seem a good idea. The superfluous belt adds a hippie flair — and unnecessary attention to her hips. GTTs' great secret, of course, is that though they can't style worth a damn, they do have great pieces. The shoes? We love 'em. The socks? Really?

Known locales: Moonstruck Diner, USS Intrepid, the Chelsea Star Hotel (in the Cher room, natch)
Diet: GTTs strictly follow the recipes in Cooking for Cher, including chicken-sausage lasagna and spinach-carrot rolls.
How to approach: Easy. "Do you have the Bob Mackie Cher Barbie?"
Endangerment status: Very low. Eventually gypsy-tramp-thieves will discover the miracle of plastic surgery, and they will live forever, like their idol. —Amina Akhtar