Hillary Reveals That She's 30 Percent Funny on ‘Letterman’

Last night, Hillary Clinton came to the city to appear on The Late Show With David Letterman. She decided, perhaps in order to stave off another unfunny Top Ten list of Dave's, to bring her own. We've always sort of suspected that Hillary is kind of funny, in her own way – and the list is just that. Kind of funny, in a special, pearl-necklace-and-popped-collar way. Here are the top ten things she promises to do if elected president:

10. Bring stability and long-term security to The View.
9. Each year on my birthday every American gets a cupcake.
8. You will have the option of rolling dice against the IRS for double or nothing on your tax return.

7. If you're having trouble getting a flight and Air Force One is available, it's yours.
6. My vice-president will never shoot anybody in the face.
5. I'll turn Gitmo into a Dairy Queen as soon as possible.
4. For over a century there have only been two Dakotas. I plan to double that.
3. We will finally have a president who doesn't mind pulling over and asking for directions. Am I right, ladies?
2. I will appoint a commission to find out what the heck is happening on Lost.
1. One more pantsuit joke and Letterman disappears.

Thanks, Hill. The nod to late-eighties lesbian comediennes in No. 3 was not lost on us.