A-Oh-Hell

As you may have heard, AOL is coming to Manhattan, and bringing G-d knows how many Virginians with them. To Astor Place, no less, where, like everyone else who comes to this city from down there, they will attempt to reinvent themselves — as a hip company with a new focus on online advertising. We’ve been ignoring this news because it is frankly kind of embarrassing for everyone involved: AOL’s trying to be hip sort of reminds us of that episode of Entourage where Johnny Drama tried to impress his young co-stars on Five Towns by buying the hat with the pot leaf on it. We just want to look away. The move is also embarrassing for downtown New York City. But enough about them! Let’s talk about you. How will having a trying-to-be-hip AOL in your midst affect your life?

1. Inevitably, a friend of yours will get a job there. At first, you will be happy for him — he had been really unhappy — but eventually his incessant chatter about how the company’s really changed, how they’re doing all these cool new things, will start to creep you out.
2. Inevitably, AOL will build some kind of unholy alliance with the Fader and start sponsoring concerts in Williamsburg. They will employ promoter Todd P. as a creative consultant. (This will not so much affect your life as it will simply annoy you.)
3. The line at Whole Foods will be intolerable.
4. You will never be able to shop at Forever 21 again.
5. Or DSW.

AOL to Move Headquarters to New York [NYS]